Thursday

So quick update, my mom is still not doing so hot, they have taken her off of so much sedatives which means shes kind of waking up but also means shes feeling pain, which had to happen but its almost just as painful for me to see as it is for her to go through it. They took her off the ventilator for about an hour this morning and she did alright laying still but once they started messing with & stirring her around it became to difficult and they put her back on the vent. Pulmonologist says theyre going to start doing that about twice a day & see if we can make progress, so heres hoping. Also from laying so still, now that shes coming out from so much sedation her joints & muscles are super sore so shell probably have to have some physical therapy once she can breathe on her own again.  I took 2 pictures today, still very sad but maybe just maybe were on the road to recovery... We shall see.

Also I'm either deleting facebook and starting fresh or just deleting alot of folks, people who I never communicate with were just fb friends for the sake of being fb friends, plus those who just try to make me miserable but I keep trying to be decent with, theyre definitely going, haven't decided which of the 2 I'm doing but will know by the end of the night, & if I delete people not fb & you don't know why just know it may not be that your a bad person, I may think your great its just why be friends on fb when we never even attempt to be friends in real life, & if I decide to delete, whole fb & start over, just wait you may be refriended, if not then farewell my lovelies.

Day Who Even Knows Anymore

So hey all! its me, obviously and alot has changed but yet alot the same, so sorry to the very few who actually were following i disappeared for awhile, i dont even have a good excuse except every day life. So, i did finally go to the dr, yay me lol turns out im even crazier than one wouldve imagined, BUT steps are being taken to make sure that my past does not make my future hell. One thing is, im taking an anti anxiety medicine, but only when needed, and actually since prescribed ive only needed it twice, its crazy but the big factor is my amorrr Henry moved back home, he is my rock im telling you, i still worry, still fret and get moody but hes right there beside me loving me and telling me when im getting to crazy haha. So im doing better for sure. Now for the bad news, my mom, who is like seriously the best ever, went into the stupid pawhuska er saturday afternoon for some arm and chest pain accompanied by a little nausea, now then there was alot said and nothing done for over 15 hours before they finally transported her to st johns in tulsa where she went to the icu and progressively lost ability to breath, she is now and has been on a ventilator since about midnight monday/tuesday. This sucks, more than anyone can imagine, unless youve been through it you have no idea, this is MY mom, not some random person or relative, my mom, my biggest fan also my biggest critic, shes always there no matter what, even when you dont want her there, there she is, always. So this is a big deal, i love her so so much and can not even begin to think of the possibility of her not making it through this, i cant. There is very little glue holding me together right now during this time of sadness but im surely trying to make it stick, at least a little longer before i fall completely to pieces. But i am trying so i suppose that counts for somethiing, especially when theres so much negativity being thrown at me from all angles. Ive decided im going to be happy, i deserve to be happy, and unfortunately for some that means your not only going to be cut from facebook and such things but also from my life, youve drug me down long enough, you may not understand but i promise, theres a reason, and for one in particular, several hundred reasons some im not sure if you remember, but i do, things that i always remembered but for some reason stuck in the back of my brain and pretended they were just some random nightmare, turns out they were not, had almost all confirmed to be real events, and so for that plus a millon other reasons, i must say goodbye, you never really cared anyway. and there will be others, just wanted to address this one in particular. But again mood change, that aside im going to surround myself with people that care about me, that love me and accept me, that know i cant just go at the drop of a hat bc i have a bunch of kids, but still make time for me, friends that have been my friends for a long time, we may not always stay in close contact but i know your there. So im going to leave you tonight with 2 things, 1 being a very sad picture of my mom, and this was when she was still semi breathing on her own and didnt have as many wires and tubes stuck to and in her as she does now

And 2, a simple but maybe good thought, this blog will be back in full swing and i promise will still have my rants and anxiety ridden feelings BUT will also and maybe more so have good things and how im going to turn this mess i call my life around :) in the meantime PLEASE PRAY FOR MY MOM!!! Thanks lovelies

Wednesday

So today, technically yesterday, was really tough, and as I sit here not sleeping, thinking, it gets tougher, I miss Henry so much. I don't know what I'm supposed to do here, I think I love  him to much, you always hear people on tv and such say stupid crap like I love you so much it hurts and everyone says and thinks the same thing I do, thats just stupid crap, but it would appear to me as though maybe its not. I can't stand this, it hurts so much especially knowing I can't do anything about it, that were probably undoubtedly going to be living in 2 different states, 2 different homes forever, this doesn't seem like its ever going to work itself out. And he calls and bc he's stressed, I'm stressed and all the crap going on, we get in arguments and he lets it get the better if him and gets, mad and hangs up, doesn't call me back for who knows how long, and I sit here and cry and cry and cry, knowing that this time is the time thats going to push him over the edge, he's going to decide that all this distance, stress and whatever else isn't worth it anymore. He's going to leave me. I always worry about it even when he was here and when I was in texas, always felt like it could happen but now I feel like it is happening, not could, IS. And it hurts so so much, his sons love and miss him almost as much as I do, all 5 of them, and I know he loves them and even me but you know there just comes a point when it gets to be to, much and I think he is nearing that point, very quickly.

   I don't know, I think of all the things I try to do to make this work, for me, for him, and for all our children and how just like everything else it its never good enough, not for anyone, not ever. All I can do is cry, cry till I can't cry anymore, and when he calls after an argument, he always says he's sorry and know he is a jackass or an asshole and can I please forgive him, and I do, bc I love him and I understand why he's being a jackass bc were both so stressed and having a hard time dealing with all of our issues, even the normal ones, its just amplified by the distance, and I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with lately, especially the funk with this nervousness and anxiety thats been a constant black cloud hanging above my head the last several months, I have told him about this and he says he understands and wants me to feel better and will do everything he can to make that happen, but really, he doesn't understand at all, I can tell by the way he talks to me about it, its like I get the, your crazy and you are, just over dramatic, vibe from him, so... Who the crap knows? What I do know its somethings got to give, this is so hard.

   Did anyone ever come up with how I can make this private? Bc theres kind of alot more if like to cry and whine about, and this is my blog, but I need privacy, I'm not about to have these jackasses trying to use my own blog and feelings against me. My feelings are hurt by this, and so, much more and now I have to watch what I say bc of certain people taking what I say and turning it around making it so, much worse than it actually is. Basically this whole thing tonight was to write about how much I miss him, so, maybe the tears would stop. So... Until next time.

The Day After Yesterday

So, hello again. It was brought to my attention today that I, have a little unwanted attention on this blog, I'm not going to shut it down and censor myself for this person, but I guess I am going to either find some sort of privacy setting or not be, quite so honest, which sucks bc the whole point of this blog was to get some feelings out but I'm also not going to have, my feelings used against me bc that is total crap. So if anyone can help me out with that privacy thing it would be appreciated.

   Anyway so starting workout and diet tomorrow, I attempted the, last few days but kinda keep failing, but now tomorrow is the day, this is going to happen. I'm going to buy zumba fitness for the kinect, that plus my kinect adventures and sports demos, plus a very limited diet and calorie intake, walks when the weather is decent and this is doable I'm pretty sure. I'm going to use this blog as a journal of sorts for said task and, maybe I won't just have depressing I'm a crazy entries every time, and best of all, nothing to be used against me. So just a heads up for those few loyal readers, this is going to happen, I won't change it completely as I said before, the whole point of this blog is to get feelings I've been keeping and suffering with out in the open so maybe I won't suffer quite as much.

   So I started watching Roswell the series a few months back and got through season 1 and then for distracted and never finished it, so I started back up last night and am almost done with season 2 now then season 3, probably have it all watched by the end of the weekend then I've got to find something else which is pretty crap bc I've been sitting on the couch watching, netflix since henry went to texas so, I've watched up practically  everything!

   My brain is telling me its time to go ahead and shut down for the night, at least this part of the night, now back to watching tv till I pass out. So wish me luck and I hope none of you are judging me and picking out bits and pieces to try and use against me later . Until next time sleep well my lovelies

Day whatever the hell day it is

Okay, so sorry its been awhile, things have been kinda crazy, kind of depressing and just ugh all together. So things are about the same, i dont really feel any better at all, things just really dont seem to be working so well. I feel so alone, everyone says were here for you and they are really, i just feel like crap. So over and over i feel like i need to write when i am having the feelings of insanity and sadness because then on days like today i feel like im bursting with things to blog about but cant think of it right now, got too many other things going on in this brain of mine.

Days like yesterday are the kinds of days that plague me lately and this life just does not seem doable, not that i want to commit suicide at all, dont take that comment for that, besides if you have read any earlier posts youd know im terrified of death so obviously not suicidal, just the way things are going, all morning i felt semi decent snf thought you know what, this is my day to get things back on track, no particular reason just decided, so then kids came home from school and the 11 year old who i let be wth his friends and have fun all weekend got an attitude with me, made me mad so i tried to talk to him and he just ignored me, made me madder so i send him to clean his room, he of course stomps all the way upstairs and throws crap around doesnt do anything, by ths tme, ive lost it, im screaming, trying not to cry and get all over hm, then see his friday folder and hes behind 13 damn assignments and has a bunch of cs, ds, and fs that hes been hiding, and hes the one i give the most privelages to, im furious, he just like everyone else thinks he can run all over me, treat me like crap and be hateful towards me. So i tell him hes going to have to miss some of his games bc that was the rule from the begginning, no matter what school and grades come first, well then he goes into a crazy tantrum like a 2 year old, i feel horrible, sad and mad and used. Then we go to the 13 year olds basketball game, henry calls into the first quarter, gets frustrated bc i cant hear him, i go outside and he tells me he withdrew some more money, and i know ts his money and it was for the bills there but that left me with nothing till wednesday and i am low on gas, need to get oil changed and take kids to dentist so that on top of everything earlier i fight back crying like a baby and go back in, then last quarter the coach finally puts my kid in with 1 minute 11 seconds exactly left in game, and thats it. So that was frustrating and upset me, then went to lobby to wait for him and little Henry is up in a chair and goes to get down and face plants on the concrete, screams for a few minutes then i turn my attention to the 13 year old whos begging grandma for money for concession stand food when he knows were going to eat when we get home and makes me insane so we go to car and they all of course are being crazy and my moms being, well, my mother, nagging and telling me i need to relax and be easier on the boys especially zach, also making me crazy, henrys asleep in the car this whole time, so okay, i drop her off we go home, henry calls again were talking a few minutes and i hear the boys say okay henry let me get you a blanket and telling one of the other ones that he feels sick so i give ethan the phone while i check on him and i ask him are you okay he starts screaming it hurts really really bad, i try to get him to take some motrin, he wont stop crying and goes into my room gets in my bed covers his head and falls asleep again, i uncover him he wont hardly wake up and when he does, says he feels sick and the light hurts his eyes, so i cover him back up, worried he may have a concussion, get the phone back from ethan, henry of course hung up, so i call him back he wants to know what happened i tell him and he of course says i dont need to go to the games anymore, i try to tell him being at the game had nothing to do with anything so we argue a bit, by this time im bawling, its too much, i tried to stay composed but after everything it was just to the breaking point, so i tell him im taking little henry to er bc he wont stop crying when hes awake but wont hardly wake up, so we get off the phone, i take all 5 boys to er, thats a nightmare but its just me, nothing else i can do so take them in, they go to waiting area i explain what happened and such and i hear banging and yelling from up in the lobby, my kids of course, anyway this goes on about an hour, they say he probably has a minor concusson but nothing they can do, for me to watch him for 24 hours, also extremely frustrating, get thats al they can say or do i guess but still i needed answers not probablys and nothing we can do, so go home call henry hes just as mad about er starts bitching not at me per say but close enough so i get off the phone go to bathroom and bawl my damn eyes out, and that was all in just a few hours time, it was to much, and this crap happens every dang day, not exactly the same events but events just as bad basically and i cant handle it, i need help, i need a break, at least every once in awhile, it has been almost 7 years and henry and i have had one night, or actually a couple of hours with no kids, i never have me time, and i understand also my fault bc i have 5 kids but i just want some help, i need some help, i need a break just every so often, i need henry here with me to help with every day situations, ughh i just dont know what to do.

And today started about the same, different events but same crap, felt like i was breaking down before 9 am ever hit. Then found out henry had to have 2 teeth pulled and spacers put in that it was a must right away, they gave him gas which made him even more drowsy than he had been and it was super stressful but okay, started home and kids wanted lunch i said youll have to eat at school they of course started in wanting to go eat, i said we cant and fights and arguments escalated from there until i dropped them off. And yeah its just been really tough, and i feel so all alone, feel like im the only one making half an effort and im being punished for it.

So anyway ill close now as im sure your bored with my play by play, ill be here more often so it wont all be built up next time.

Day 4 I Think

Okay, so here it is, a couple of days later, today has not been kind, I woke up this morning basically panicked, no idea why, so i took some tylenol and went and laid back down, hoping for my heart to slow down a little, it did, I went back to sleep for a little while till Parker woke up then woke the boys up asked Ethan to kind of keep an eye on P so i could sleep a little longer, after laying there at least an hour i went back to sleep. Woke up a couple hours later wth almost kind of like a sense of urgency, felt like i should seriously be doing something but not a clue as to what, so i started cleaning house as that was driving me crazy, told the boys to do their part, they of course were to busy and i got mad like crazy mad started yelling, they chpped in a little after that but not so much. I was up pretty late last night, thinking, worrying, stressing, i tried to sleep but it just wasnt happening, im so sick of this, i wish there were some way to remedy ths with out a billion dollars to go to a dang psychiatris, but nope, too bad for me. I started to try and explain a little of what im feeling like and what im going through to my mom the other day bc she drives me nuts always second guessing every single little thing i do, and when my 13 year old who hates me does whatever he wants and i get him in trouble its oh im being to hard on him. No im not! She doesnt see anything she doesnt want to, bnot now not ever, dont get me wrong i adore my mom but ugh this just eats me alive, anyway back to point after saturday afternoon at ethans bball game being so crappy zach started in trying to make me mad and i got all over him and she of course put in her two cents so i asked her, do you know how you make me feel? and she says what? like i cant velieve youd ask me that and i said its bad enough he doesnt listen but when you start in he nows he can do this to me, and i feel bad he hates me i try to change it but wth you stepping in that just makes him right in his eyes and i feel horrible, i feel like i cant control him or anything else in my life, im so stressed all the time i dont sleep and i feel like im sitting outside an office waiting for a job interview all the time, thats the best way to describe the nervousness i feel that i can come up with, and she says you just need to relax and get some sleep, are you serious? thats all? i just need to relax and get some sleep ohhhh why didnt i think of that? here i am feeling like a anxious mess scared of my own shadow and that was the answer all along... right. wow. So needless to say i wasnt to happy about all that. I came home and tried to sleep then but couldnt so i sent some of the pics i took at the game to henrys brothers phone so hed call me, he did and i told him about the game and the drive home, he said sorry he wished he was here and all that none of which helps but he tries, then he asked if i was still feeling like that bc weve had this discussion a few months ago i said yes only it was a little worse now, then he got stressed about how he needed to be here but didnt know how he could be here and pay the bills and all but he wanted to bc he missed the kids and knew i needed help, i of course started crying again, bc thats what i do and we talked a while longer, got off the phone not feeling any better. sat down wth the kids watched them play some xbox then turned movies on till they fell asleep then i just watched them by myself till maybe 5ish before i fell asleep till 8 when P woke up, which brings us full circle.

So here i sit tonight, just played some just dance 3 with the boys, im a little sore but not too much, i feel like theres alot need to be writing, alot more than what i have, like theres a million thoughts swimming around up in my brain, but i cant make sense of any of it, at all. All day ive felt on the verge of bawling and it happened a few times, over nothing, stupid stuff but i swear its like i absolutely cant control it. i just talk and my voice cracks and im all of a sudden sad and need to cry but i dont know why. What the crap is wrong with me? I may never know nor understand.

Im thirsty, i made a late dinner bc i couldnt manage to get myself motivated to get in there and cook till i had a friend over and the boys were all asking for crap and bitching about being hungry, and rather than look like the worst mom ever i went in there and cooked but i drank all my dr pepper and told myself i wouldnt buy anymore i just need to drink water, not sure why im finding that so hard i did it for years till i got pregnant with p then started drinking soda again.But yeah so now i have a whole case of bottled water in there but thats not what i want at all. So i sit here thirsty. Just a random thought there, one of them that had to be spit out apparently.

Im so tired of being disappointed and sad, and nervous and scared. Like i can say that here and you who read t think yeah i can imagine, but no i dont think you can, this is insanity i cant get over it, and im just sick of it, it makes me literally and figuratively sick to my stomach, i dont know what to do. Sometimes feel the giant urge to do what i did before and just pick up and leave my whole life and go start somewhere fresh, but i cant do that as i have 5 kids and henry to think about now, its not even an option. I wish i had lots and lots of money, ive heard that makes your problems disappear, but i dont know bc i have never had a ton of money. Anyway, i feel so alone all the time, in a room full of people and i feel like im sitng alone in a dark room, its crazy i know, makes no sense, i know, but how do i make it go away? i used to say i had no friends bc in actuality have alot of aquaintences but very few "friends" but i had a few, now im aware of the few but feel like theyre not really here, and i know, know they are and would probably do anything they could for me, as i would them, but in that same thought i feel like bc they have no idea how i feel theyre not really here. I dont say this to offend anyone, especially the few friends i have, i love you dearly and would probably not even be the little amount of sane i am if it werent for you, its just the way im feeling this particular moment.

Anyways, so it just started randomly raining and the wind picked up long enough to make chills go down my spine and work up the nerve to get up and look outside then it had stopped, buti feel completely freaked out and wish i had henry or one of those friends wth me right this second to ease the situation, but alas, i do not, its hard to explain you know? Even in writing i cant find the words, so i guess ill try and put all these feelings and thoughts in the back of my mind for a little while, maybe go make myself a daquiri and watch some hulu and hope to calm down at least a little and pray tomorrows better.

Day 3

So day 3 here we are, not too much to report today, Jadon started his piano lessons today, he seemed to like it, im so glad, i want to give him something thats all his own to be proud of. I played some kinect today, i think i pulled a muscle in my knee or something already, it hurts like crazy mad, but im trying to ignore it and keep working through it, we dowmloaded kinect sport season 1 and 2 the demos they seem really fun, i think that will be the next games we buy. We play the kinect all of us, trying to spend family time and trying to focus on something besides my misery, it seems to work, at least temporarily.

So today was really ordinary, not much happened. I was up tll about 4 or so this morning, finally fell asleep then the alarm went off at 7:10 to wake the boys up and was up, i tried to go back to sleep but couldnt manage it, then sister in law brought their youngest over and i kept him for awhile, he pretty much cried the whole time, but no big deal really as ive dealt with my own child screaming non stop for the first 6 months of his life. Then she came to get him and the boys got home from school, had the office send some paperwork home with ethan for him and jadon and with zach for hm and of course zach didnt make it home with his, so when went to go get jadon from piano i took zach to the school to get paper, so i guess ill fax it tomorrow and hopefully something will be done. Child support and all that mess. Anyway thats just boring stuff, i went to store came home, made dinner and we ate and played kinect till bedtime, the end. Now im sitting here writing this, not really sure of what to say. I havent been particularly sad today but not particularly happy either so...

I have an old friend who ive fallen in and out of contact with over the last several years coming over tomorrow, shes pregnant with a girl, due on my 5 year olds 6th birthday, im kinda looking forward to spending a few hours with her maybe even if we just sit around the house, she kinda nows my situation, my stress and anxiety, she tells me dont worry, be happy, Gods taking care of us, and seems really optimistic, which is great for her bc she never used to be like that but ever since she found out she was pregnant (this is her first child with boyfriend/husband of maybe 10 or so years) shes been all flowers and rainbows, and like i said im totally happy for her and will be here to help her every step of the way, and yes i am a small amount of jealous, 1 bc shes having a girl and 2, bc i want to be that happy again. I never was all through high school and as far back as i can remember then the entire time i was with my ex i was miserable, spent 2 years alone finding out who i was without any one else then i met henry and a few years later i was happy, honestly and truthfully happy, i never knew what that felt like before that, then he went to texas and i was sad and it got worse and worse and here we are at present day. And i know i wrote all this in day 1 but its whats in my head, i miss being happy, i miss being normal, that sounds like a joke but its so not. All throughout the day i try and stay in contact with a select few via text messaging and try not to be all gloom and doom as i know nobody wants to talk to that girl, so as i said before also i put on my happy face through texting and everything is peaches, i bitch about stuff like normal but not too much and sometimes its really easy like this afternoon bc i had my mind on a few other things but some days its really hard so i kinda just dont text or text one word answers when others try to get a hold of me, im sure its the same crap everyone does when they dont feel like talking. Which really has nothing to do with anything, im just saying.

Ive almost kind of become an alcoholic, not like crazy but whereas before i drank like just a few times a year, i make myself a drink or 2 almost every night now, at first it was to try and help me sleep, then that didnt work so it just became about i felt like i needed it. I know alcoholism is in my blood as my father, grandfather and brother are all alcoholics, who knows any further back then that bc i dont know anything about any of my family past that. only menton ths because m suddenly thirsty and thats the first thing that popped into my mind.

I really dont have much to say on this night, ive decided to qut posting on facebook when i write, those who want to read and follow youll either have to just keep checking back or become followers of this blog, im not real sure how to do that but im sure if you want to you can figure it out. Ive also just right this second decided i may not write every nght because on super uneventful days and with no emotional rollercoaster afternoon or evenings, it makes for a short blog about nothing, and i dont want to bore anyone. So that being said i think im going to go make a drink and watch some tv. Goodnight :)