Thursday

So quick update, my mom is still not doing so hot, they have taken her off of so much sedatives which means shes kind of waking up but also means shes feeling pain, which had to happen but its almost just as painful for me to see as it is for her to go through it. They took her off the ventilator for about an hour this morning and she did alright laying still but once they started messing with & stirring her around it became to difficult and they put her back on the vent. Pulmonologist says theyre going to start doing that about twice a day & see if we can make progress, so heres hoping. Also from laying so still, now that shes coming out from so much sedation her joints & muscles are super sore so shell probably have to have some physical therapy once she can breathe on her own again.  I took 2 pictures today, still very sad but maybe just maybe were on the road to recovery... We shall see.

Also I'm either deleting facebook and starting fresh or just deleting alot of folks, people who I never communicate with were just fb friends for the sake of being fb friends, plus those who just try to make me miserable but I keep trying to be decent with, theyre definitely going, haven't decided which of the 2 I'm doing but will know by the end of the night, & if I delete people not fb & you don't know why just know it may not be that your a bad person, I may think your great its just why be friends on fb when we never even attempt to be friends in real life, & if I decide to delete, whole fb & start over, just wait you may be refriended, if not then farewell my lovelies.

Day Who Even Knows Anymore

So hey all! its me, obviously and alot has changed but yet alot the same, so sorry to the very few who actually were following i disappeared for awhile, i dont even have a good excuse except every day life. So, i did finally go to the dr, yay me lol turns out im even crazier than one wouldve imagined, BUT steps are being taken to make sure that my past does not make my future hell. One thing is, im taking an anti anxiety medicine, but only when needed, and actually since prescribed ive only needed it twice, its crazy but the big factor is my amorrr Henry moved back home, he is my rock im telling you, i still worry, still fret and get moody but hes right there beside me loving me and telling me when im getting to crazy haha. So im doing better for sure. Now for the bad news, my mom, who is like seriously the best ever, went into the stupid pawhuska er saturday afternoon for some arm and chest pain accompanied by a little nausea, now then there was alot said and nothing done for over 15 hours before they finally transported her to st johns in tulsa where she went to the icu and progressively lost ability to breath, she is now and has been on a ventilator since about midnight monday/tuesday. This sucks, more than anyone can imagine, unless youve been through it you have no idea, this is MY mom, not some random person or relative, my mom, my biggest fan also my biggest critic, shes always there no matter what, even when you dont want her there, there she is, always. So this is a big deal, i love her so so much and can not even begin to think of the possibility of her not making it through this, i cant. There is very little glue holding me together right now during this time of sadness but im surely trying to make it stick, at least a little longer before i fall completely to pieces. But i am trying so i suppose that counts for somethiing, especially when theres so much negativity being thrown at me from all angles. Ive decided im going to be happy, i deserve to be happy, and unfortunately for some that means your not only going to be cut from facebook and such things but also from my life, youve drug me down long enough, you may not understand but i promise, theres a reason, and for one in particular, several hundred reasons some im not sure if you remember, but i do, things that i always remembered but for some reason stuck in the back of my brain and pretended they were just some random nightmare, turns out they were not, had almost all confirmed to be real events, and so for that plus a millon other reasons, i must say goodbye, you never really cared anyway. and there will be others, just wanted to address this one in particular. But again mood change, that aside im going to surround myself with people that care about me, that love me and accept me, that know i cant just go at the drop of a hat bc i have a bunch of kids, but still make time for me, friends that have been my friends for a long time, we may not always stay in close contact but i know your there. So im going to leave you tonight with 2 things, 1 being a very sad picture of my mom, and this was when she was still semi breathing on her own and didnt have as many wires and tubes stuck to and in her as she does now

And 2, a simple but maybe good thought, this blog will be back in full swing and i promise will still have my rants and anxiety ridden feelings BUT will also and maybe more so have good things and how im going to turn this mess i call my life around :) in the meantime PLEASE PRAY FOR MY MOM!!! Thanks lovelies