so hello my lovelies, it's been ages, yes i am aware, but if i remember correctly i left you in suspense as to a newexciting thing that was happening in my life, well its here, he is 11 weeks old tomorrow and his name is Armando Elisao Matozo, my baby boy. He was born december 23rd 2012 i couldnt have asked for a bettter Christmas present :) right now in this moment, my life is good, not perfect but pretty close, my children and i are all getting along, they are happy, i am happy. my husband and i are doing well. we are happy. weve put people out of our lives that werebringing us down weve put new people in our lives that make every day a little better. i thank God every day for my life, my love and my family, i couldnt ask for more, especially when i know there are thise that try so hard to bring us down. this weekend we are in texas at henrys families celebrating my nephew, sister in law and husbands birthdays. i havent got to see all my friends here in town, actually i havent seen any of them and probably wont as were leaving tomorrow but thats ok, well be back soon and have a little more time. right now henry is ouside with hisbrothers and friends having laughs and a good time my boys are out there as well enjoying tgeir uncles and the food that even though it was raining they cooked outside and im in here with my baby boy and thought its been ages and i should update my blog. i want ti keep this up, i know i write that every time and never do but i want to and i shall ateempt to start, i want to share my good times and my bad times with those whod like to share it with me. im going to go ahead abd close this entry as im on my phone and making all sorts of typos and my phone wont cooperate onfixing them, but when we return home ill update and in the mean time, be well :)

God is Good

So, we heard back from the guy weve been waiting to hear from about a job for henryvand he starts tomorrow morning! Were thrilled, hes nervous but happy, now we just prsy its a permanent job and not just a whenever he needs help. So by the end of next week we could possibly be all moved into this other house! How super fantastic would thst be? Pretty super duper! I went to sunday school and church this morning, it was good. I learn and actually feel like ive gathered new information and life lessons when i walk away, sounds corny, i know but totally true. I enjoy my sunday school and the ladies in it. This will be a short entry as i dont have much to say, except keep your faith, pray HIS will be done, not yours and although msybe not the answer you were looking or waiting for God will deliver and be patient with Him, i know its hard and im not even there as i get tired of waiting to, but i truly believe He will give us what we need :)

Fun Times...

So, yay look whos back? I havent posted in a long time but tons has happened since my last post, the best being thank GOD my mom is out of the hospital and almost back to 100% so thats exciting. The 2nd big thing is a secret to be revealed at a later date, guess that means youll have to keep up with me to find out eh? The 3rd thing being we may be moving very very soon into a 4 but can make it a 5 bedroom house with lots and lots of yard to play in. How exciting is that? Because really, this apt has been nice and definitely a good thing but weve outgrown it, were a bigger family now with bigger needs. So yay for that, those that do read this, keep us in your prayers that this does indeed happen. Next big thing is, the boys started school, Zach is now in 8th grade, holy cow next year he will be in high school! Ethan is a 6th grader, Jadon a 5th and little Henry or as some know him Angelius, he just started 1st grade! Wow they sure are growing. Parker will be 2 in less than 2 months, that within itself is kind of mind blowing! All the school age boys with the exception of Zach are playing football this year and i coulrnt be happier, i love watching them, even sitting in the hundred degree weather i go to every practice, scrimmage and game. Ethan is excelling in football as to be expected, I am positive he can go to college on a svholarship if he just keeps with ut, hes gifted, no doubt. He can play any position they put him in and just does great with it, like hes been playing that position his whole life. Im super excited to see what this season brings. Zach has joined the band, im not sure if he will stick with it, but if he does im curious to see how that goes and where it will take him. Jadon has been taking piano lessons for several months now, he has a gift for music. He already plays like hes been taking lessons for years, im so proud of him. Im positive this will stick with him and take him far, even to college if he stays with it. Henry started football this year and unlike all the previous years, 1st & 2nd grade are tackle football not flag anymore so this should prove interesting. Its so funny watching them, theyre so little but so big. Fall is upon us, even earlier this year than normal it seems, im loving that, fall and spring have to be my favorite times a year, weather wise and fashion wise, well except maybe for the tornadoes in the spring but you know what i meant. Time for hoodies and cardigans, yay indeed. With all that being said, just know that im happier than in the last few posts, and surpridingly not due to medication, as a matter of fact since all that was prescribed i have only taken 3 anxiety pills total and 2 of thise 3 were during tornado season, this is something im going to work out, with God leading me, im not near as stressed or depressed, ive decided my life us a blessing and just as good as anyone elses, my family and i deserve to be happy, so were going to, no matter what others think, say or want. So i leave you with these words of wisdom, be happy, you are blessed. I promise ill try to be more frequent with updates, i know i keep saying that then diappearing for months but i promise ill try :)

Thursday

So quick update, my mom is still not doing so hot, they have taken her off of so much sedatives which means shes kind of waking up but also means shes feeling pain, which had to happen but its almost just as painful for me to see as it is for her to go through it. They took her off the ventilator for about an hour this morning and she did alright laying still but once they started messing with & stirring her around it became to difficult and they put her back on the vent. Pulmonologist says theyre going to start doing that about twice a day & see if we can make progress, so heres hoping. Also from laying so still, now that shes coming out from so much sedation her joints & muscles are super sore so shell probably have to have some physical therapy once she can breathe on her own again.  I took 2 pictures today, still very sad but maybe just maybe were on the road to recovery... We shall see.

Also I'm either deleting facebook and starting fresh or just deleting alot of folks, people who I never communicate with were just fb friends for the sake of being fb friends, plus those who just try to make me miserable but I keep trying to be decent with, theyre definitely going, haven't decided which of the 2 I'm doing but will know by the end of the night, & if I delete people not fb & you don't know why just know it may not be that your a bad person, I may think your great its just why be friends on fb when we never even attempt to be friends in real life, & if I decide to delete, whole fb & start over, just wait you may be refriended, if not then farewell my lovelies.

Day Who Even Knows Anymore

So hey all! its me, obviously and alot has changed but yet alot the same, so sorry to the very few who actually were following i disappeared for awhile, i dont even have a good excuse except every day life. So, i did finally go to the dr, yay me lol turns out im even crazier than one wouldve imagined, BUT steps are being taken to make sure that my past does not make my future hell. One thing is, im taking an anti anxiety medicine, but only when needed, and actually since prescribed ive only needed it twice, its crazy but the big factor is my amorrr Henry moved back home, he is my rock im telling you, i still worry, still fret and get moody but hes right there beside me loving me and telling me when im getting to crazy haha. So im doing better for sure. Now for the bad news, my mom, who is like seriously the best ever, went into the stupid pawhuska er saturday afternoon for some arm and chest pain accompanied by a little nausea, now then there was alot said and nothing done for over 15 hours before they finally transported her to st johns in tulsa where she went to the icu and progressively lost ability to breath, she is now and has been on a ventilator since about midnight monday/tuesday. This sucks, more than anyone can imagine, unless youve been through it you have no idea, this is MY mom, not some random person or relative, my mom, my biggest fan also my biggest critic, shes always there no matter what, even when you dont want her there, there she is, always. So this is a big deal, i love her so so much and can not even begin to think of the possibility of her not making it through this, i cant. There is very little glue holding me together right now during this time of sadness but im surely trying to make it stick, at least a little longer before i fall completely to pieces. But i am trying so i suppose that counts for somethiing, especially when theres so much negativity being thrown at me from all angles. Ive decided im going to be happy, i deserve to be happy, and unfortunately for some that means your not only going to be cut from facebook and such things but also from my life, youve drug me down long enough, you may not understand but i promise, theres a reason, and for one in particular, several hundred reasons some im not sure if you remember, but i do, things that i always remembered but for some reason stuck in the back of my brain and pretended they were just some random nightmare, turns out they were not, had almost all confirmed to be real events, and so for that plus a millon other reasons, i must say goodbye, you never really cared anyway. and there will be others, just wanted to address this one in particular. But again mood change, that aside im going to surround myself with people that care about me, that love me and accept me, that know i cant just go at the drop of a hat bc i have a bunch of kids, but still make time for me, friends that have been my friends for a long time, we may not always stay in close contact but i know your there. So im going to leave you tonight with 2 things, 1 being a very sad picture of my mom, and this was when she was still semi breathing on her own and didnt have as many wires and tubes stuck to and in her as she does now

And 2, a simple but maybe good thought, this blog will be back in full swing and i promise will still have my rants and anxiety ridden feelings BUT will also and maybe more so have good things and how im going to turn this mess i call my life around :) in the meantime PLEASE PRAY FOR MY MOM!!! Thanks lovelies

Wednesday

So today, technically yesterday, was really tough, and as I sit here not sleeping, thinking, it gets tougher, I miss Henry so much. I don't know what I'm supposed to do here, I think I love  him to much, you always hear people on tv and such say stupid crap like I love you so much it hurts and everyone says and thinks the same thing I do, thats just stupid crap, but it would appear to me as though maybe its not. I can't stand this, it hurts so much especially knowing I can't do anything about it, that were probably undoubtedly going to be living in 2 different states, 2 different homes forever, this doesn't seem like its ever going to work itself out. And he calls and bc he's stressed, I'm stressed and all the crap going on, we get in arguments and he lets it get the better if him and gets, mad and hangs up, doesn't call me back for who knows how long, and I sit here and cry and cry and cry, knowing that this time is the time thats going to push him over the edge, he's going to decide that all this distance, stress and whatever else isn't worth it anymore. He's going to leave me. I always worry about it even when he was here and when I was in texas, always felt like it could happen but now I feel like it is happening, not could, IS. And it hurts so so much, his sons love and miss him almost as much as I do, all 5 of them, and I know he loves them and even me but you know there just comes a point when it gets to be to, much and I think he is nearing that point, very quickly.

   I don't know, I think of all the things I try to do to make this work, for me, for him, and for all our children and how just like everything else it its never good enough, not for anyone, not ever. All I can do is cry, cry till I can't cry anymore, and when he calls after an argument, he always says he's sorry and know he is a jackass or an asshole and can I please forgive him, and I do, bc I love him and I understand why he's being a jackass bc were both so stressed and having a hard time dealing with all of our issues, even the normal ones, its just amplified by the distance, and I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with lately, especially the funk with this nervousness and anxiety thats been a constant black cloud hanging above my head the last several months, I have told him about this and he says he understands and wants me to feel better and will do everything he can to make that happen, but really, he doesn't understand at all, I can tell by the way he talks to me about it, its like I get the, your crazy and you are, just over dramatic, vibe from him, so... Who the crap knows? What I do know its somethings got to give, this is so hard.

   Did anyone ever come up with how I can make this private? Bc theres kind of alot more if like to cry and whine about, and this is my blog, but I need privacy, I'm not about to have these jackasses trying to use my own blog and feelings against me. My feelings are hurt by this, and so, much more and now I have to watch what I say bc of certain people taking what I say and turning it around making it so, much worse than it actually is. Basically this whole thing tonight was to write about how much I miss him, so, maybe the tears would stop. So... Until next time.

The Day After Yesterday

So, hello again. It was brought to my attention today that I, have a little unwanted attention on this blog, I'm not going to shut it down and censor myself for this person, but I guess I am going to either find some sort of privacy setting or not be, quite so honest, which sucks bc the whole point of this blog was to get some feelings out but I'm also not going to have, my feelings used against me bc that is total crap. So if anyone can help me out with that privacy thing it would be appreciated.

   Anyway so starting workout and diet tomorrow, I attempted the, last few days but kinda keep failing, but now tomorrow is the day, this is going to happen. I'm going to buy zumba fitness for the kinect, that plus my kinect adventures and sports demos, plus a very limited diet and calorie intake, walks when the weather is decent and this is doable I'm pretty sure. I'm going to use this blog as a journal of sorts for said task and, maybe I won't just have depressing I'm a crazy entries every time, and best of all, nothing to be used against me. So just a heads up for those few loyal readers, this is going to happen, I won't change it completely as I said before, the whole point of this blog is to get feelings I've been keeping and suffering with out in the open so maybe I won't suffer quite as much.

   So I started watching Roswell the series a few months back and got through season 1 and then for distracted and never finished it, so I started back up last night and am almost done with season 2 now then season 3, probably have it all watched by the end of the weekend then I've got to find something else which is pretty crap bc I've been sitting on the couch watching, netflix since henry went to texas so, I've watched up practically  everything!

   My brain is telling me its time to go ahead and shut down for the night, at least this part of the night, now back to watching tv till I pass out. So wish me luck and I hope none of you are judging me and picking out bits and pieces to try and use against me later . Until next time sleep well my lovelies