Saturday, March 9, 2013
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
So quick update, my mom is still not doing so hot, they have taken her off of so much sedatives which means shes kind of waking up but also means shes feeling pain, which had to happen but its almost just as painful for me to see as it is for her to go through it. They took her off the ventilator for about an hour this morning and she did alright laying still but once they started messing with & stirring her around it became to difficult and they put her back on the vent. Pulmonologist says theyre going to start doing that about twice a day & see if we can make progress, so heres hoping. Also from laying so still, now that shes coming out from so much sedation her joints & muscles are super sore so shell probably have to have some physical therapy once she can breathe on her own again. I took 2 pictures today, still very sad but maybe just maybe were on the road to recovery... We shall see.
Also I'm either deleting facebook and starting fresh or just deleting alot of folks, people who I never communicate with were just fb friends for the sake of being fb friends, plus those who just try to make me miserable but I keep trying to be decent with, theyre definitely going, haven't decided which of the 2 I'm doing but will know by the end of the night, & if I delete people not fb & you don't know why just know it may not be that your a bad person, I may think your great its just why be friends on fb when we never even attempt to be friends in real life, & if I decide to delete, whole fb & start over, just wait you may be refriended, if not then farewell my lovelies.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
So today, technically yesterday, was really tough, and as I sit here not sleeping, thinking, it gets tougher, I miss Henry so much. I don't know what I'm supposed to do here, I think I love him to much, you always hear people on tv and such say stupid crap like I love you so much it hurts and everyone says and thinks the same thing I do, thats just stupid crap, but it would appear to me as though maybe its not. I can't stand this, it hurts so much especially knowing I can't do anything about it, that were probably undoubtedly going to be living in 2 different states, 2 different homes forever, this doesn't seem like its ever going to work itself out. And he calls and bc he's stressed, I'm stressed and all the crap going on, we get in arguments and he lets it get the better if him and gets, mad and hangs up, doesn't call me back for who knows how long, and I sit here and cry and cry and cry, knowing that this time is the time thats going to push him over the edge, he's going to decide that all this distance, stress and whatever else isn't worth it anymore. He's going to leave me. I always worry about it even when he was here and when I was in texas, always felt like it could happen but now I feel like it is happening, not could, IS. And it hurts so so much, his sons love and miss him almost as much as I do, all 5 of them, and I know he loves them and even me but you know there just comes a point when it gets to be to, much and I think he is nearing that point, very quickly.
I don't know, I think of all the things I try to do to make this work, for me, for him, and for all our children and how just like everything else it its never good enough, not for anyone, not ever. All I can do is cry, cry till I can't cry anymore, and when he calls after an argument, he always says he's sorry and know he is a jackass or an asshole and can I please forgive him, and I do, bc I love him and I understand why he's being a jackass bc were both so stressed and having a hard time dealing with all of our issues, even the normal ones, its just amplified by the distance, and I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with lately, especially the funk with this nervousness and anxiety thats been a constant black cloud hanging above my head the last several months, I have told him about this and he says he understands and wants me to feel better and will do everything he can to make that happen, but really, he doesn't understand at all, I can tell by the way he talks to me about it, its like I get the, your crazy and you are, just over dramatic, vibe from him, so... Who the crap knows? What I do know its somethings got to give, this is so hard.
Did anyone ever come up with how I can make this private? Bc theres kind of alot more if like to cry and whine about, and this is my blog, but I need privacy, I'm not about to have these jackasses trying to use my own blog and feelings against me. My feelings are hurt by this, and so, much more and now I have to watch what I say bc of certain people taking what I say and turning it around making it so, much worse than it actually is. Basically this whole thing tonight was to write about how much I miss him, so, maybe the tears would stop. So... Until next time.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
So, hello again. It was brought to my attention today that I, have a little unwanted attention on this blog, I'm not going to shut it down and censor myself for this person, but I guess I am going to either find some sort of privacy setting or not be, quite so honest, which sucks bc the whole point of this blog was to get some feelings out but I'm also not going to have, my feelings used against me bc that is total crap. So if anyone can help me out with that privacy thing it would be appreciated.
Anyway so starting workout and diet tomorrow, I attempted the, last few days but kinda keep failing, but now tomorrow is the day, this is going to happen. I'm going to buy zumba fitness for the kinect, that plus my kinect adventures and sports demos, plus a very limited diet and calorie intake, walks when the weather is decent and this is doable I'm pretty sure. I'm going to use this blog as a journal of sorts for said task and, maybe I won't just have depressing I'm a crazy entries every time, and best of all, nothing to be used against me. So just a heads up for those few loyal readers, this is going to happen, I won't change it completely as I said before, the whole point of this blog is to get feelings I've been keeping and suffering with out in the open so maybe I won't suffer quite as much.
So I started watching Roswell the series a few months back and got through season 1 and then for distracted and never finished it, so I started back up last night and am almost done with season 2 now then season 3, probably have it all watched by the end of the weekend then I've got to find something else which is pretty crap bc I've been sitting on the couch watching, netflix since henry went to texas so, I've watched up practically everything!
My brain is telling me its time to go ahead and shut down for the night, at least this part of the night, now back to watching tv till I pass out. So wish me luck and I hope none of you are judging me and picking out bits and pieces to try and use against me later . Until next time sleep well my lovelies