Wednesday, January 25, 2012

The Day After Yesterday

So, hello again. It was brought to my attention today that I, have a little unwanted attention on this blog, I'm not going to shut it down and censor myself for this person, but I guess I am going to either find some sort of privacy setting or not be, quite so honest, which sucks bc the whole point of this blog was to get some feelings out but I'm also not going to have, my feelings used against me bc that is total crap. So if anyone can help me out with that privacy thing it would be appreciated.

   Anyway so starting workout and diet tomorrow, I attempted the, last few days but kinda keep failing, but now tomorrow is the day, this is going to happen. I'm going to buy zumba fitness for the kinect, that plus my kinect adventures and sports demos, plus a very limited diet and calorie intake, walks when the weather is decent and this is doable I'm pretty sure. I'm going to use this blog as a journal of sorts for said task and, maybe I won't just have depressing I'm a crazy entries every time, and best of all, nothing to be used against me. So just a heads up for those few loyal readers, this is going to happen, I won't change it completely as I said before, the whole point of this blog is to get feelings I've been keeping and suffering with out in the open so maybe I won't suffer quite as much.

   So I started watching Roswell the series a few months back and got through season 1 and then for distracted and never finished it, so I started back up last night and am almost done with season 2 now then season 3, probably have it all watched by the end of the weekend then I've got to find something else which is pretty crap bc I've been sitting on the couch watching, netflix since henry went to texas so, I've watched up practically  everything!

   My brain is telling me its time to go ahead and shut down for the night, at least this part of the night, now back to watching tv till I pass out. So wish me luck and I hope none of you are judging me and picking out bits and pieces to try and use against me later . Until next time sleep well my lovelies

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Day whatever the hell day it is

Okay, so sorry its been awhile, things have been kinda crazy, kind of depressing and just ugh all together. So things are about the same, i dont really feel any better at all, things just really dont seem to be working so well. I feel so alone, everyone says were here for you and they are really, i just feel like crap. So over and over i feel like i need to write when i am having the feelings of insanity and sadness because then on days like today i feel like im bursting with things to blog about but cant think of it right now, got too many other things going on in this brain of mine.

Days like yesterday are the kinds of days that plague me lately and this life just does not seem doable, not that i want to commit suicide at all, dont take that comment for that, besides if you have read any earlier posts youd know im terrified of death so obviously not suicidal, just the way things are going, all morning i felt semi decent snf thought you know what, this is my day to get things back on track, no particular reason just decided, so then kids came home from school and the 11 year old who i let be wth his friends and have fun all weekend got an attitude with me, made me mad so i tried to talk to him and he just ignored me, made me madder so i send him to clean his room, he of course stomps all the way upstairs and throws crap around doesnt do anything, by ths tme, ive lost it, im screaming, trying not to cry and get all over hm, then see his friday folder and hes behind 13 damn assignments and has a bunch of cs, ds, and fs that hes been hiding, and hes the one i give the most privelages to, im furious, he just like everyone else thinks he can run all over me, treat me like crap and be hateful towards me. So i tell him hes going to have to miss some of his games bc that was the rule from the begginning, no matter what school and grades come first, well then he goes into a crazy tantrum like a 2 year old, i feel horrible, sad and mad and used. Then we go to the 13 year olds basketball game, henry calls into the first quarter, gets frustrated bc i cant hear him, i go outside and he tells me he withdrew some more money, and i know ts his money and it was for the bills there but that left me with nothing till wednesday and i am low on gas, need to get oil changed and take kids to dentist so that on top of everything earlier i fight back crying like a baby and go back in, then last quarter the coach finally puts my kid in with 1 minute 11 seconds exactly left in game, and thats it. So that was frustrating and upset me, then went to lobby to wait for him and little Henry is up in a chair and goes to get down and face plants on the concrete, screams for a few minutes then i turn my attention to the 13 year old whos begging grandma for money for concession stand food when he knows were going to eat when we get home and makes me insane so we go to car and they all of course are being crazy and my moms being, well, my mother, nagging and telling me i need to relax and be easier on the boys especially zach, also making me crazy, henrys asleep in the car this whole time, so okay, i drop her off we go home, henry calls again were talking a few minutes and i hear the boys say okay henry let me get you a blanket and telling one of the other ones that he feels sick so i give ethan the phone while i check on him and i ask him are you okay he starts screaming it hurts really really bad, i try to get him to take some motrin, he wont stop crying and goes into my room gets in my bed covers his head and falls asleep again, i uncover him he wont hardly wake up and when he does, says he feels sick and the light hurts his eyes, so i cover him back up, worried he may have a concussion, get the phone back from ethan, henry of course hung up, so i call him back he wants to know what happened i tell him and he of course says i dont need to go to the games anymore, i try to tell him being at the game had nothing to do with anything so we argue a bit, by this time im bawling, its too much, i tried to stay composed but after everything it was just to the breaking point, so i tell him im taking little henry to er bc he wont stop crying when hes awake but wont hardly wake up, so we get off the phone, i take all 5 boys to er, thats a nightmare but its just me, nothing else i can do so take them in, they go to waiting area i explain what happened and such and i hear banging and yelling from up in the lobby, my kids of course, anyway this goes on about an hour, they say he probably has a minor concusson but nothing they can do, for me to watch him for 24 hours, also extremely frustrating, get thats al they can say or do i guess but still i needed answers not probablys and nothing we can do, so go home call henry hes just as mad about er starts bitching not at me per say but close enough so i get off the phone go to bathroom and bawl my damn eyes out, and that was all in just a few hours time, it was to much, and this crap happens every dang day, not exactly the same events but events just as bad basically and i cant handle it, i need help, i need a break, at least every once in awhile, it has been almost 7 years and henry and i have had one night, or actually a couple of hours with no kids, i never have me time, and i understand also my fault bc i have 5 kids but i just want some help, i need some help, i need a break just every so often, i need henry here with me to help with every day situations, ughh i just dont know what to do.

And today started about the same, different events but same crap, felt like i was breaking down before 9 am ever hit. Then found out henry had to have 2 teeth pulled and spacers put in that it was a must right away, they gave him gas which made him even more drowsy than he had been and it was super stressful but okay, started home and kids wanted lunch i said youll have to eat at school they of course started in wanting to go eat, i said we cant and fights and arguments escalated from there until i dropped them off. And yeah its just been really tough, and i feel so all alone, feel like im the only one making half an effort and im being punished for it.

So anyway ill close now as im sure your bored with my play by play, ill be here more often so it wont all be built up next time.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Day 4 I Think

Okay, so here it is, a couple of days later, today has not been kind, I woke up this morning basically panicked, no idea why, so i took some tylenol and went and laid back down, hoping for my heart to slow down a little, it did, I went back to sleep for a little while till Parker woke up then woke the boys up asked Ethan to kind of keep an eye on P so i could sleep a little longer, after laying there at least an hour i went back to sleep. Woke up a couple hours later wth almost kind of like a sense of urgency, felt like i should seriously be doing something but not a clue as to what, so i started cleaning house as that was driving me crazy, told the boys to do their part, they of course were to busy and i got mad like crazy mad started yelling, they chpped in a little after that but not so much. I was up pretty late last night, thinking, worrying, stressing, i tried to sleep but it just wasnt happening, im so sick of this, i wish there were some way to remedy ths with out a billion dollars to go to a dang psychiatris, but nope, too bad for me. I started to try and explain a little of what im feeling like and what im going through to my mom the other day bc she drives me nuts always second guessing every single little thing i do, and when my 13 year old who hates me does whatever he wants and i get him in trouble its oh im being to hard on him. No im not! She doesnt see anything she doesnt want to, bnot now not ever, dont get me wrong i adore my mom but ugh this just eats me alive, anyway back to point after saturday afternoon at ethans bball game being so crappy zach started in trying to make me mad and i got all over him and she of course put in her two cents so i asked her, do you know how you make me feel? and she says what? like i cant velieve youd ask me that and i said its bad enough he doesnt listen but when you start in he nows he can do this to me, and i feel bad he hates me i try to change it but wth you stepping in that just makes him right in his eyes and i feel horrible, i feel like i cant control him or anything else in my life, im so stressed all the time i dont sleep and i feel like im sitting outside an office waiting for a job interview all the time, thats the best way to describe the nervousness i feel that i can come up with, and she says you just need to relax and get some sleep, are you serious? thats all? i just need to relax and get some sleep ohhhh why didnt i think of that? here i am feeling like a anxious mess scared of my own shadow and that was the answer all along... right. wow. So needless to say i wasnt to happy about all that. I came home and tried to sleep then but couldnt so i sent some of the pics i took at the game to henrys brothers phone so hed call me, he did and i told him about the game and the drive home, he said sorry he wished he was here and all that none of which helps but he tries, then he asked if i was still feeling like that bc weve had this discussion a few months ago i said yes only it was a little worse now, then he got stressed about how he needed to be here but didnt know how he could be here and pay the bills and all but he wanted to bc he missed the kids and knew i needed help, i of course started crying again, bc thats what i do and we talked a while longer, got off the phone not feeling any better. sat down wth the kids watched them play some xbox then turned movies on till they fell asleep then i just watched them by myself till maybe 5ish before i fell asleep till 8 when P woke up, which brings us full circle.

So here i sit tonight, just played some just dance 3 with the boys, im a little sore but not too much, i feel like theres alot need to be writing, alot more than what i have, like theres a million thoughts swimming around up in my brain, but i cant make sense of any of it, at all. All day ive felt on the verge of bawling and it happened a few times, over nothing, stupid stuff but i swear its like i absolutely cant control it. i just talk and my voice cracks and im all of a sudden sad and need to cry but i dont know why. What the crap is wrong with me? I may never know nor understand.

Im thirsty, i made a late dinner bc i couldnt manage to get myself motivated to get in there and cook till i had a friend over and the boys were all asking for crap and bitching about being hungry, and rather than look like the worst mom ever i went in there and cooked but i drank all my dr pepper and told myself i wouldnt buy anymore i just need to drink water, not sure why im finding that so hard i did it for years till i got pregnant with p then started drinking soda again.But yeah so now i have a whole case of bottled water in there but thats not what i want at all. So i sit here thirsty. Just a random thought there, one of them that had to be spit out apparently.

Im so tired of being disappointed and sad, and nervous and scared. Like i can say that here and you who read t think yeah i can imagine, but no i dont think you can, this is insanity i cant get over it, and im just sick of it, it makes me literally and figuratively sick to my stomach, i dont know what to do. Sometimes feel the giant urge to do what i did before and just pick up and leave my whole life and go start somewhere fresh, but i cant do that as i have 5 kids and henry to think about now, its not even an option. I wish i had lots and lots of money, ive heard that makes your problems disappear, but i dont know bc i have never had a ton of money. Anyway, i feel so alone all the time, in a room full of people and i feel like im sitng alone in a dark room, its crazy i know, makes no sense, i know, but how do i make it go away? i used to say i had no friends bc in actuality have alot of aquaintences but very few "friends" but i had a few, now im aware of the few but feel like theyre not really here, and i know, know they are and would probably do anything they could for me, as i would them, but in that same thought i feel like bc they have no idea how i feel theyre not really here. I dont say this to offend anyone, especially the few friends i have, i love you dearly and would probably not even be the little amount of sane i am if it werent for you, its just the way im feeling this particular moment.

Anyways, so it just started randomly raining and the wind picked up long enough to make chills go down my spine and work up the nerve to get up and look outside then it had stopped, buti feel completely freaked out and wish i had henry or one of those friends wth me right this second to ease the situation, but alas, i do not, its hard to explain you know? Even in writing i cant find the words, so i guess ill try and put all these feelings and thoughts in the back of my mind for a little while, maybe go make myself a daquiri and watch some hulu and hope to calm down at least a little and pray tomorrows better.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Day 3

So day 3 here we are, not too much to report today, Jadon started his piano lessons today, he seemed to like it, im so glad, i want to give him something thats all his own to be proud of. I played some kinect today, i think i pulled a muscle in my knee or something already, it hurts like crazy mad, but im trying to ignore it and keep working through it, we dowmloaded kinect sport season 1 and 2 the demos they seem really fun, i think that will be the next games we buy. We play the kinect all of us, trying to spend family time and trying to focus on something besides my misery, it seems to work, at least temporarily.

So today was really ordinary, not much happened. I was up tll about 4 or so this morning, finally fell asleep then the alarm went off at 7:10 to wake the boys up and was up, i tried to go back to sleep but couldnt manage it, then sister in law brought their youngest over and i kept him for awhile, he pretty much cried the whole time, but no big deal really as ive dealt with my own child screaming non stop for the first 6 months of his life. Then she came to get him and the boys got home from school, had the office send some paperwork home with ethan for him and jadon and with zach for hm and of course zach didnt make it home with his, so when went to go get jadon from piano i took zach to the school to get paper, so i guess ill fax it tomorrow and hopefully something will be done. Child support and all that mess. Anyway thats just boring stuff, i went to store came home, made dinner and we ate and played kinect till bedtime, the end. Now im sitting here writing this, not really sure of what to say. I havent been particularly sad today but not particularly happy either so...

I have an old friend who ive fallen in and out of contact with over the last several years coming over tomorrow, shes pregnant with a girl, due on my 5 year olds 6th birthday, im kinda looking forward to spending a few hours with her maybe even if we just sit around the house, she kinda nows my situation, my stress and anxiety, she tells me dont worry, be happy, Gods taking care of us, and seems really optimistic, which is great for her bc she never used to be like that but ever since she found out she was pregnant (this is her first child with boyfriend/husband of maybe 10 or so years) shes been all flowers and rainbows, and like i said im totally happy for her and will be here to help her every step of the way, and yes i am a small amount of jealous, 1 bc shes having a girl and 2, bc i want to be that happy again. I never was all through high school and as far back as i can remember then the entire time i was with my ex i was miserable, spent 2 years alone finding out who i was without any one else then i met henry and a few years later i was happy, honestly and truthfully happy, i never knew what that felt like before that, then he went to texas and i was sad and it got worse and worse and here we are at present day. And i know i wrote all this in day 1 but its whats in my head, i miss being happy, i miss being normal, that sounds like a joke but its so not. All throughout the day i try and stay in contact with a select few via text messaging and try not to be all gloom and doom as i know nobody wants to talk to that girl, so as i said before also i put on my happy face through texting and everything is peaches, i bitch about stuff like normal but not too much and sometimes its really easy like this afternoon bc i had my mind on a few other things but some days its really hard so i kinda just dont text or text one word answers when others try to get a hold of me, im sure its the same crap everyone does when they dont feel like talking. Which really has nothing to do with anything, im just saying.

Ive almost kind of become an alcoholic, not like crazy but whereas before i drank like just a few times a year, i make myself a drink or 2 almost every night now, at first it was to try and help me sleep, then that didnt work so it just became about i felt like i needed it. I know alcoholism is in my blood as my father, grandfather and brother are all alcoholics, who knows any further back then that bc i dont know anything about any of my family past that. only menton ths because m suddenly thirsty and thats the first thing that popped into my mind.

I really dont have much to say on this night, ive decided to qut posting on facebook when i write, those who want to read and follow youll either have to just keep checking back or become followers of this blog, im not real sure how to do that but im sure if you want to you can figure it out. Ive also just right this second decided i may not write every nght because on super uneventful days and with no emotional rollercoaster afternoon or evenings, it makes for a short blog about nothing, and i dont want to bore anyone. So that being said i think im going to go make a drink and watch some tv. Goodnight :)

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Day 2.5

So, something ive yet to bring up, but ive had in my brain a good while but like thought tonight a little more than usual about, is the fact that i hate that everyone has something to say about my life and opinions and choices, im talking everyone, im never honest with people like anyone, seriously. So its not just one thing but like everything but the one in partcular, and dont you dare judge me right now, but i want a little girl, yes i know i already have 5 kids and the chances of having a girl are way way against me, yes i know im a crazy, stressed out, anxiety ridden mess, yes i know all of this, it doesnt change the fact that i want a little girl, especially with all my world ending fears and such, before its all over i want a daughter. but then again this too is the biggest reason i dont bc if i had one and the world ended i wouldnt have a chance to enjoy her, you know? i know moneys tight, henry and i hardly ever fight but when we do its always about money and another baby would cause more money issues, but ive told him all of this and he says he understands but we just cant afford it and dont worry the worlds not ending and all the things that make sense the same thing over and over it remains that i want her! i wanted a boy when i found out i was pregnant the first time and ive wanted a girl ever since. I am also scared because even if henry says yes lets do it ive already had 6 pregnancies, 5 kids and 1 miscarriage and i know the more pregnancies you have the more likely a miscarriage is and i absolutely do not want to go through that again but when i think about it i tell myself it would be worth the risk to have a daughter, but just like all of everyone else i am very aware that theres no way with out medical assistance to ensure it is a girl when or if i get pregnant. Also im aware that another baby would totally make me so much more stressed and make henry be gone more and longer and feel like hed have to work 10 times as hard, and i dont want to put that stress on him, i also spend way way to much time worrying about what everyone else thinks and says about me, i wish i didnt, i wish i had the nerve to just say and feel like hey this is between henry and i not anyone else, but i dont i freak out and worry and take to heart what everyone says and thinks. So may people i know are having little girls and just recently found out my sister in law is pregnant again and shes pretty hopeful its a girl and im jealous, not just of her but lke i said several of my friends and or aquaintences are having girls and every time i hear of another i think I want that! I have 5 boys and i adore each and every one but i want a girl!

I always have my kids with me, aside from when theyre in school, i never ever have a babysitter, i havent had a night out with henry aside from once in almost 7 years and that was only when the older 3 boys were with their father and we left little henry with big henrys brother but only after he fell asleep we went 5 minutes down the road and watched the first twilight movie and came right home, thats it, in 7 years and im very very aware another baby would only prolong my getting out and never having any me time, but again, if im responsible for them and henry and i take care of them and i never pawn them off on other people, dont i have the right to have as many children as henry and i see fit? Should i have to be so worried and concerned with what everyone, including most of you that read this think? its my life, i dealt with parker being the fussiest, most colicky crazy baby who in 15 months has never been away from me more than an hour, and im still alive and everything so, if i want another baby and henry agrees to it, isnt that my right?

Anyway i know its crazy and i should definitely seek proffesional mental help before i act on this, but im so afraid it will be to late if i wait, just thought d put this out here because its been on my mind for months now, and this is after all my blog so i can write and or say whatever i want, so there it is.

Day 2

Okay,so its day 2 and im not so much any better off, obviously but still trying, i made a public appearance in church tonight trying to be social but mostly i just sat there and thought about how it was time to go home. So i came home, its crazy windy and snowing here tonight so thats all the more reason for me to stay inside and not go anywhere, so yay heres to crazy being justified once in awhile haha. Im not sure who actually read any of what i wrote last night but im good with that even if no one did bc hey thats less people to see how crazy i actually am. Anyway so i stayed in all day and am so exhausted from my days and days of doing nothing that this morning ethan said he didnt feel good and didnt want to go to school i told him he needed to he whined he didnt want to and i let it go, so he stayed home, good thing is he helped with parker all afternoon, bad thing is i really really shouldve made him go to school. So i stayed on the couch pretty much all day, Henry called about 3:30 ish we talked for about 2 hours, i of course almost cried like 20 times in that period, ugh im so miserable these days its just stupid. Anyway so in that time i got a few text messages, 1 being a friend asking me to come to church, so i did but it really wouldve been the same if i hadnt bc i was just there in body but anyway i went.

So Jadon starts piano lessons tomorrow which i think will be really good for him, he likes music plus think it will help his memory and maybe give him some confidence, which he so desperately needs, he walks around the house likes hes all good but hes constantly in trouble and i know he acts out at school bc hes self conscious, he thinks noone likes him, zach is kind of the same way, whereas ethan walks around like hes all that and some has all the confdence in the world, and in return he is as he puts it "a popular kid" in his school, every body likes him, hes in 5th grade and all the guys like him and he has the girls hanging on him, which is not so much a good thing but hes in 5th grade i can keep it under control, but i digress, back to jadon, hes a good, sweet kid, he really is but sometimes he wont let anyone see that part of him he just shows the mean, nasty, hateful side, im not really sure why except hes trying to keep the other kids out, like kind of being mean to them before they can be mean to him, that sort of thing. And really thats sad, because ive seen jadon at his best and he could have so many friends if hed show others that side of him. So im hoping the piano lessons help with that.

Next a completely random subject change, but its my blog so its all good, I get so aggrivated at people because you know how weve all felt like a doormat a few times in our lives, yeah feel like that all the time, sometimes by friends, sometimes by stranger, alot by family and always by my own children. This particular time its by a family member, they ask me to do something that i dont so much mind doing but ts the reasoning in which they asked me to do it that drives me nuts, but okay i say yes, then i ask for the same thing in return and oh its too much if an inconvenience and i, because im me say oh okay i understand and thats it so here i am doing this favor and being walked all over in return, yay for being the dirt you walk on! But anyway just another thing i suppose i need to work on, lets see, stop being scared of everything all the time, then lose some weight, get my emotions under control then learn to stick up for myself...yeah its going to be a long road. But i suppose maybe its doable, possibly, assuming my fear of the world ending is irrational, and i like to think it is but im terrified its not.

And see like that, i make jokes even to myself apparently bc im afraid someone will read this and have me commited but honestly its scary how much all this scares me, which sounds stupid to say as well but really, i am so scared and so freaked out, like tonight for instance, the wind is howling the house s creaking its snowing and all i hear are my thoughts saying oh crap this is just another sign, see signs where maybe there are some and maybe there arent. i need help, honestly, something to calm me down to help me sleep normal, something to help me feel normal, because i dont, i know for a fact my fears and nervousness are not normal, some have been here all along, just repressed and then some are recent new developments. Im scared of dying, again have been ever since i was little, i remember being very small and keeping myself awake at night as long as i could manage because i was afraid id die in my sleep, what little kid does that?!? I do thats who. So i also think thats part of my fear of the world ending and of God tcoming and takng us all back because i dont think Hes going to come and take our bodies, just our souls, now i dont know that, its just my assumption, but in order to take our souls we have to, wait, whats that? oh yeah our bodies have to die. Biggest fear ever for me. So again, im a mess. For those of you who do read this excuse the fact that there are some double spaces where an i should be, my i key is broken and i have to beat it to make it appear and sometimes i dont do it hard enough.

My 5 year old just got up, which he does every night, he refuses to sleep in his own bed, this is just a recent like within 6 months, development as well, im not sure why, ive asked him he doesnt so much give me a reason but i let him stay up with me because, 1 im up anyway and 2 he usually falls asleep within 30 minutes of coming downstairs with me and 3 because a part of me is afraid maybe he has some of these same fears and i want to try and help hm wth them intead of ignore it like when i was little. I had a couple of dreams, like horrible traumatizing dreams when i was little that ive always remembered, didnt remember details so much but the actual dream i did and a few months back was talking to my brother and come to find out they were not dreams at all, this actually happened to me, holy crap! Do these events have anything to do with me being the way i am now? i dont know, i always thought they were just dreams, i dont remember when my fears started, dont remember if it was before or after these events, so, who knows. Yeah, he came downstairs when i wrote that, laid his head on my arm and is already asleep. thats why i dont so much mind him coming down here.

Anyways so i didnt do any kinecting today, might do it now, might not, may just turn tv on fairly loud to drown out scary wind and watch tv till i pass out, either way i think im done with day 2, ill try to make it more eventful tomorrow.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Day 1

So, let me start out by saying welcome to my blog, this wont be just a whine fest but it wont all be rainbows and lollipos either, its me, the way i am, not trying to impress anyone and if you dont like whats said here or how its said, no bg, dont read it, im good either way.

Now then, day 1. Today is January 10th 2012, i am 30 almost 31 years old, i have 5 kids, all boys, ive been married once and basically married now to my 2nd husband Henry. am basically married to Henry, weve been together since april 2005, but right now are not living together as he is in texas working, which sucks, alot... the bills are getting paid but i am a wreck, im basically a single parent of all these boys, the oldest is 13 and he pretty much hates me, im not sure why but i can say its not just a teenager thing bc its been like that as long as i can remember. i miss Henry like crazy mad and am so lonely but then he calls and wants to fight with me about stupid crap and it makes me crazy mad, but i get mad, sad and then blow it off, he almost always apologises the next time he calls, i know hes stressed and he misses us and his mom and family back in El Salvador so i give him alot of leeway but then there are times like last night when it just gets to be too much and i wonder if were even going to make it like this. Id like to think so, its been almost 7 years, thats longer than my ex husband and i were ever together and im happier with Henry than i ever was with the ex. I honestly, as cheesy as it sounds never knew i could be happy i thought you just blew through like feeling sad but putting on a happy face, until i met Henry, then he made me genuinely happy, we fought alot at first mostly cultural differences and other people butting in just trying to cause drama between us because as they say, misery loves company, but we overcame that and were good, were happy but now this crap, he lives in texas and we, his family, live here, that gets to be alot to handle, for both of us.

So anyway, things are crazy, im a mess, im pretty sure i suffer from anxiety like no other, to the point of ridiculousness. Im terrified of the world ending, i want to see my kids grow up, i want to see my grandkids grow up and my great grand kids. i want to be an old lady with a garden and sit on the front porch in rocking chairs with Henry as we watch our grandkids play. And i think im right, and try to be right with God, because i do believe HE is coming back but im scared that im not, im scared im not good enough and ill be left to suffer. I pray, i try to live how HE would want me to, but i am so scared that im not that i cant sleep, im up all hours of the night every night, but this just started when Henry left, not all all of it as ive always been scared of these same things for as long as i can remember but it got worse to the point im so scared it haunts me all day every day since he left, but when he comes back, i sleep, i sleep good, i feel peace, he calms my soul, but then he leaves again and i go right back. Especially since these random earthquakes started, that scares the living hell out of me, its one of the many signs the Bible talks about that ive seen come to pass and i want to go with God when He comes back, but selfishly, i dont want that to be in my lifetime, and i worry and get scared that, that thought alone is why im not right with God because everyone else is ready, they pray for it to be time, they rejoice at these signs and i shiver with terror, why? Why am i not excited about it? Why am i so scared, its got me so bad i hate leaving the house, i only leave when i absolutely have to, cant stand it, when i am out all i can think about is i need to get back home, and i have no idea why, theres nothing here to protect me or anything and when God comes He doesnt care if im home or at walmart, but seriously all i can think when im out is i need to go home, and when im home i have a whole hge list of things i need to be doing and reasons to get out and yet i put everything off until the last second then force myself out, i dont know why! i dont want to be like this but its like i cant control it, no matter how hard i try, the fear and anxiousness and nervousness takes over and controls me. Ive never been like this before i was always all about getting out and doing stuff i hated staying in day after day but now i cant stand to leave. I dont know whats wrong with me. And id love for it to be fixed but i dont know how, i need to go to the doctor but i dont have the money for that so i sit and i suffer. Noone but very select few know, well knew until now, because i always put on my happy face when i do leave and i laugh and talk and get along like any other normal person. So anyway theres a porthole into my existence.

Another thing is that i have gained so much freaking weight i make myself sick and im trying to rememdy this problem as i made Henry buy me a kinect for Christmas but its not just about that its the discipline of getting the right low calorie diet but ugh i just love food! When i lived in texas i managed to lose quite a bit, still not enough for my liking but it was some and i actually started running and even when i first moved back here i went running but then i got pregnant, which Henry and i had been trying to do for about 2 years prior to that so running was out, then i had a devastating miscarriage then got pregnant right away on accident but again running was out, i had the baby on October 10, 2010 and have yet to start back being healthy and walking or running, i want to and i have every intention to but then we go back to i hate to leave the house, always feel like ive worked a hard labor job all day every day even when i do absolutely nothing. Im tired and exhausted and i love food, so all this together not a good combination for losing weight and getting back into shape.

So anyway, thats all i got for now, i could go on im sure but ill save it for another day, plus 2 out of 5 kids are still up and being crazy and are gong to end up pulling the cord out of the computer and then ill get mad so better to just end it now. Ill be back i promise :)