Sunday, August 26, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
So quick update, my mom is still not doing so hot, they have taken her off of so much sedatives which means shes kind of waking up but also means shes feeling pain, which had to happen but its almost just as painful for me to see as it is for her to go through it. They took her off the ventilator for about an hour this morning and she did alright laying still but once they started messing with & stirring her around it became to difficult and they put her back on the vent. Pulmonologist says theyre going to start doing that about twice a day & see if we can make progress, so heres hoping. Also from laying so still, now that shes coming out from so much sedation her joints & muscles are super sore so shell probably have to have some physical therapy once she can breathe on her own again. I took 2 pictures today, still very sad but maybe just maybe were on the road to recovery... We shall see.
Also I'm either deleting facebook and starting fresh or just deleting alot of folks, people who I never communicate with were just fb friends for the sake of being fb friends, plus those who just try to make me miserable but I keep trying to be decent with, theyre definitely going, haven't decided which of the 2 I'm doing but will know by the end of the night, & if I delete people not fb & you don't know why just know it may not be that your a bad person, I may think your great its just why be friends on fb when we never even attempt to be friends in real life, & if I decide to delete, whole fb & start over, just wait you may be refriended, if not then farewell my lovelies.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
So today, technically yesterday, was really tough, and as I sit here not sleeping, thinking, it gets tougher, I miss Henry so much. I don't know what I'm supposed to do here, I think I love him to much, you always hear people on tv and such say stupid crap like I love you so much it hurts and everyone says and thinks the same thing I do, thats just stupid crap, but it would appear to me as though maybe its not. I can't stand this, it hurts so much especially knowing I can't do anything about it, that were probably undoubtedly going to be living in 2 different states, 2 different homes forever, this doesn't seem like its ever going to work itself out. And he calls and bc he's stressed, I'm stressed and all the crap going on, we get in arguments and he lets it get the better if him and gets, mad and hangs up, doesn't call me back for who knows how long, and I sit here and cry and cry and cry, knowing that this time is the time thats going to push him over the edge, he's going to decide that all this distance, stress and whatever else isn't worth it anymore. He's going to leave me. I always worry about it even when he was here and when I was in texas, always felt like it could happen but now I feel like it is happening, not could, IS. And it hurts so so much, his sons love and miss him almost as much as I do, all 5 of them, and I know he loves them and even me but you know there just comes a point when it gets to be to, much and I think he is nearing that point, very quickly.
I don't know, I think of all the things I try to do to make this work, for me, for him, and for all our children and how just like everything else it its never good enough, not for anyone, not ever. All I can do is cry, cry till I can't cry anymore, and when he calls after an argument, he always says he's sorry and know he is a jackass or an asshole and can I please forgive him, and I do, bc I love him and I understand why he's being a jackass bc were both so stressed and having a hard time dealing with all of our issues, even the normal ones, its just amplified by the distance, and I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with lately, especially the funk with this nervousness and anxiety thats been a constant black cloud hanging above my head the last several months, I have told him about this and he says he understands and wants me to feel better and will do everything he can to make that happen, but really, he doesn't understand at all, I can tell by the way he talks to me about it, its like I get the, your crazy and you are, just over dramatic, vibe from him, so... Who the crap knows? What I do know its somethings got to give, this is so hard.
Did anyone ever come up with how I can make this private? Bc theres kind of alot more if like to cry and whine about, and this is my blog, but I need privacy, I'm not about to have these jackasses trying to use my own blog and feelings against me. My feelings are hurt by this, and so, much more and now I have to watch what I say bc of certain people taking what I say and turning it around making it so, much worse than it actually is. Basically this whole thing tonight was to write about how much I miss him, so, maybe the tears would stop. So... Until next time.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
So, hello again. It was brought to my attention today that I, have a little unwanted attention on this blog, I'm not going to shut it down and censor myself for this person, but I guess I am going to either find some sort of privacy setting or not be, quite so honest, which sucks bc the whole point of this blog was to get some feelings out but I'm also not going to have, my feelings used against me bc that is total crap. So if anyone can help me out with that privacy thing it would be appreciated.
Anyway so starting workout and diet tomorrow, I attempted the, last few days but kinda keep failing, but now tomorrow is the day, this is going to happen. I'm going to buy zumba fitness for the kinect, that plus my kinect adventures and sports demos, plus a very limited diet and calorie intake, walks when the weather is decent and this is doable I'm pretty sure. I'm going to use this blog as a journal of sorts for said task and, maybe I won't just have depressing I'm a crazy entries every time, and best of all, nothing to be used against me. So just a heads up for those few loyal readers, this is going to happen, I won't change it completely as I said before, the whole point of this blog is to get feelings I've been keeping and suffering with out in the open so maybe I won't suffer quite as much.
So I started watching Roswell the series a few months back and got through season 1 and then for distracted and never finished it, so I started back up last night and am almost done with season 2 now then season 3, probably have it all watched by the end of the weekend then I've got to find something else which is pretty crap bc I've been sitting on the couch watching, netflix since henry went to texas so, I've watched up practically everything!
My brain is telling me its time to go ahead and shut down for the night, at least this part of the night, now back to watching tv till I pass out. So wish me luck and I hope none of you are judging me and picking out bits and pieces to try and use against me later . Until next time sleep well my lovelies
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Days like yesterday are the kinds of days that plague me lately and this life just does not seem doable, not that i want to commit suicide at all, dont take that comment for that, besides if you have read any earlier posts youd know im terrified of death so obviously not suicidal, just the way things are going, all morning i felt semi decent snf thought you know what, this is my day to get things back on track, no particular reason just decided, so then kids came home from school and the 11 year old who i let be wth his friends and have fun all weekend got an attitude with me, made me mad so i tried to talk to him and he just ignored me, made me madder so i send him to clean his room, he of course stomps all the way upstairs and throws crap around doesnt do anything, by ths tme, ive lost it, im screaming, trying not to cry and get all over hm, then see his friday folder and hes behind 13 damn assignments and has a bunch of cs, ds, and fs that hes been hiding, and hes the one i give the most privelages to, im furious, he just like everyone else thinks he can run all over me, treat me like crap and be hateful towards me. So i tell him hes going to have to miss some of his games bc that was the rule from the begginning, no matter what school and grades come first, well then he goes into a crazy tantrum like a 2 year old, i feel horrible, sad and mad and used. Then we go to the 13 year olds basketball game, henry calls into the first quarter, gets frustrated bc i cant hear him, i go outside and he tells me he withdrew some more money, and i know ts his money and it was for the bills there but that left me with nothing till wednesday and i am low on gas, need to get oil changed and take kids to dentist so that on top of everything earlier i fight back crying like a baby and go back in, then last quarter the coach finally puts my kid in with 1 minute 11 seconds exactly left in game, and thats it. So that was frustrating and upset me, then went to lobby to wait for him and little Henry is up in a chair and goes to get down and face plants on the concrete, screams for a few minutes then i turn my attention to the 13 year old whos begging grandma for money for concession stand food when he knows were going to eat when we get home and makes me insane so we go to car and they all of course are being crazy and my moms being, well, my mother, nagging and telling me i need to relax and be easier on the boys especially zach, also making me crazy, henrys asleep in the car this whole time, so okay, i drop her off we go home, henry calls again were talking a few minutes and i hear the boys say okay henry let me get you a blanket and telling one of the other ones that he feels sick so i give ethan the phone while i check on him and i ask him are you okay he starts screaming it hurts really really bad, i try to get him to take some motrin, he wont stop crying and goes into my room gets in my bed covers his head and falls asleep again, i uncover him he wont hardly wake up and when he does, says he feels sick and the light hurts his eyes, so i cover him back up, worried he may have a concussion, get the phone back from ethan, henry of course hung up, so i call him back he wants to know what happened i tell him and he of course says i dont need to go to the games anymore, i try to tell him being at the game had nothing to do with anything so we argue a bit, by this time im bawling, its too much, i tried to stay composed but after everything it was just to the breaking point, so i tell him im taking little henry to er bc he wont stop crying when hes awake but wont hardly wake up, so we get off the phone, i take all 5 boys to er, thats a nightmare but its just me, nothing else i can do so take them in, they go to waiting area i explain what happened and such and i hear banging and yelling from up in the lobby, my kids of course, anyway this goes on about an hour, they say he probably has a minor concusson but nothing they can do, for me to watch him for 24 hours, also extremely frustrating, get thats al they can say or do i guess but still i needed answers not probablys and nothing we can do, so go home call henry hes just as mad about er starts bitching not at me per say but close enough so i get off the phone go to bathroom and bawl my damn eyes out, and that was all in just a few hours time, it was to much, and this crap happens every dang day, not exactly the same events but events just as bad basically and i cant handle it, i need help, i need a break, at least every once in awhile, it has been almost 7 years and henry and i have had one night, or actually a couple of hours with no kids, i never have me time, and i understand also my fault bc i have 5 kids but i just want some help, i need some help, i need a break just every so often, i need henry here with me to help with every day situations, ughh i just dont know what to do.
And today started about the same, different events but same crap, felt like i was breaking down before 9 am ever hit. Then found out henry had to have 2 teeth pulled and spacers put in that it was a must right away, they gave him gas which made him even more drowsy than he had been and it was super stressful but okay, started home and kids wanted lunch i said youll have to eat at school they of course started in wanting to go eat, i said we cant and fights and arguments escalated from there until i dropped them off. And yeah its just been really tough, and i feel so all alone, feel like im the only one making half an effort and im being punished for it.
So anyway ill close now as im sure your bored with my play by play, ill be here more often so it wont all be built up next time.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
So here i sit tonight, just played some just dance 3 with the boys, im a little sore but not too much, i feel like theres alot need to be writing, alot more than what i have, like theres a million thoughts swimming around up in my brain, but i cant make sense of any of it, at all. All day ive felt on the verge of bawling and it happened a few times, over nothing, stupid stuff but i swear its like i absolutely cant control it. i just talk and my voice cracks and im all of a sudden sad and need to cry but i dont know why. What the crap is wrong with me? I may never know nor understand.
Im thirsty, i made a late dinner bc i couldnt manage to get myself motivated to get in there and cook till i had a friend over and the boys were all asking for crap and bitching about being hungry, and rather than look like the worst mom ever i went in there and cooked but i drank all my dr pepper and told myself i wouldnt buy anymore i just need to drink water, not sure why im finding that so hard i did it for years till i got pregnant with p then started drinking soda again.But yeah so now i have a whole case of bottled water in there but thats not what i want at all. So i sit here thirsty. Just a random thought there, one of them that had to be spit out apparently.
Im so tired of being disappointed and sad, and nervous and scared. Like i can say that here and you who read t think yeah i can imagine, but no i dont think you can, this is insanity i cant get over it, and im just sick of it, it makes me literally and figuratively sick to my stomach, i dont know what to do. Sometimes feel the giant urge to do what i did before and just pick up and leave my whole life and go start somewhere fresh, but i cant do that as i have 5 kids and henry to think about now, its not even an option. I wish i had lots and lots of money, ive heard that makes your problems disappear, but i dont know bc i have never had a ton of money. Anyway, i feel so alone all the time, in a room full of people and i feel like im sitng alone in a dark room, its crazy i know, makes no sense, i know, but how do i make it go away? i used to say i had no friends bc in actuality have alot of aquaintences but very few "friends" but i had a few, now im aware of the few but feel like theyre not really here, and i know, know they are and would probably do anything they could for me, as i would them, but in that same thought i feel like bc they have no idea how i feel theyre not really here. I dont say this to offend anyone, especially the few friends i have, i love you dearly and would probably not even be the little amount of sane i am if it werent for you, its just the way im feeling this particular moment.
Anyways, so it just started randomly raining and the wind picked up long enough to make chills go down my spine and work up the nerve to get up and look outside then it had stopped, buti feel completely freaked out and wish i had henry or one of those friends wth me right this second to ease the situation, but alas, i do not, its hard to explain you know? Even in writing i cant find the words, so i guess ill try and put all these feelings and thoughts in the back of my mind for a little while, maybe go make myself a daquiri and watch some hulu and hope to calm down at least a little and pray tomorrows better.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
So today was really ordinary, not much happened. I was up tll about 4 or so this morning, finally fell asleep then the alarm went off at 7:10 to wake the boys up and was up, i tried to go back to sleep but couldnt manage it, then sister in law brought their youngest over and i kept him for awhile, he pretty much cried the whole time, but no big deal really as ive dealt with my own child screaming non stop for the first 6 months of his life. Then she came to get him and the boys got home from school, had the office send some paperwork home with ethan for him and jadon and with zach for hm and of course zach didnt make it home with his, so when went to go get jadon from piano i took zach to the school to get paper, so i guess ill fax it tomorrow and hopefully something will be done. Child support and all that mess. Anyway thats just boring stuff, i went to store came home, made dinner and we ate and played kinect till bedtime, the end. Now im sitting here writing this, not really sure of what to say. I havent been particularly sad today but not particularly happy either so...
I have an old friend who ive fallen in and out of contact with over the last several years coming over tomorrow, shes pregnant with a girl, due on my 5 year olds 6th birthday, im kinda looking forward to spending a few hours with her maybe even if we just sit around the house, she kinda nows my situation, my stress and anxiety, she tells me dont worry, be happy, Gods taking care of us, and seems really optimistic, which is great for her bc she never used to be like that but ever since she found out she was pregnant (this is her first child with boyfriend/husband of maybe 10 or so years) shes been all flowers and rainbows, and like i said im totally happy for her and will be here to help her every step of the way, and yes i am a small amount of jealous, 1 bc shes having a girl and 2, bc i want to be that happy again. I never was all through high school and as far back as i can remember then the entire time i was with my ex i was miserable, spent 2 years alone finding out who i was without any one else then i met henry and a few years later i was happy, honestly and truthfully happy, i never knew what that felt like before that, then he went to texas and i was sad and it got worse and worse and here we are at present day. And i know i wrote all this in day 1 but its whats in my head, i miss being happy, i miss being normal, that sounds like a joke but its so not. All throughout the day i try and stay in contact with a select few via text messaging and try not to be all gloom and doom as i know nobody wants to talk to that girl, so as i said before also i put on my happy face through texting and everything is peaches, i bitch about stuff like normal but not too much and sometimes its really easy like this afternoon bc i had my mind on a few other things but some days its really hard so i kinda just dont text or text one word answers when others try to get a hold of me, im sure its the same crap everyone does when they dont feel like talking. Which really has nothing to do with anything, im just saying.
Ive almost kind of become an alcoholic, not like crazy but whereas before i drank like just a few times a year, i make myself a drink or 2 almost every night now, at first it was to try and help me sleep, then that didnt work so it just became about i felt like i needed it. I know alcoholism is in my blood as my father, grandfather and brother are all alcoholics, who knows any further back then that bc i dont know anything about any of my family past that. only menton ths because m suddenly thirsty and thats the first thing that popped into my mind.
I really dont have much to say on this night, ive decided to qut posting on facebook when i write, those who want to read and follow youll either have to just keep checking back or become followers of this blog, im not real sure how to do that but im sure if you want to you can figure it out. Ive also just right this second decided i may not write every nght because on super uneventful days and with no emotional rollercoaster afternoon or evenings, it makes for a short blog about nothing, and i dont want to bore anyone. So that being said i think im going to go make a drink and watch some tv. Goodnight :)
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
I always have my kids with me, aside from when theyre in school, i never ever have a babysitter, i havent had a night out with henry aside from once in almost 7 years and that was only when the older 3 boys were with their father and we left little henry with big henrys brother but only after he fell asleep we went 5 minutes down the road and watched the first twilight movie and came right home, thats it, in 7 years and im very very aware another baby would only prolong my getting out and never having any me time, but again, if im responsible for them and henry and i take care of them and i never pawn them off on other people, dont i have the right to have as many children as henry and i see fit? Should i have to be so worried and concerned with what everyone, including most of you that read this think? its my life, i dealt with parker being the fussiest, most colicky crazy baby who in 15 months has never been away from me more than an hour, and im still alive and everything so, if i want another baby and henry agrees to it, isnt that my right?
Anyway i know its crazy and i should definitely seek proffesional mental help before i act on this, but im so afraid it will be to late if i wait, just thought d put this out here because its been on my mind for months now, and this is after all my blog so i can write and or say whatever i want, so there it is.
So Jadon starts piano lessons tomorrow which i think will be really good for him, he likes music plus think it will help his memory and maybe give him some confidence, which he so desperately needs, he walks around the house likes hes all good but hes constantly in trouble and i know he acts out at school bc hes self conscious, he thinks noone likes him, zach is kind of the same way, whereas ethan walks around like hes all that and some has all the confdence in the world, and in return he is as he puts it "a popular kid" in his school, every body likes him, hes in 5th grade and all the guys like him and he has the girls hanging on him, which is not so much a good thing but hes in 5th grade i can keep it under control, but i digress, back to jadon, hes a good, sweet kid, he really is but sometimes he wont let anyone see that part of him he just shows the mean, nasty, hateful side, im not really sure why except hes trying to keep the other kids out, like kind of being mean to them before they can be mean to him, that sort of thing. And really thats sad, because ive seen jadon at his best and he could have so many friends if hed show others that side of him. So im hoping the piano lessons help with that.
Next a completely random subject change, but its my blog so its all good, I get so aggrivated at people because you know how weve all felt like a doormat a few times in our lives, yeah feel like that all the time, sometimes by friends, sometimes by stranger, alot by family and always by my own children. This particular time its by a family member, they ask me to do something that i dont so much mind doing but ts the reasoning in which they asked me to do it that drives me nuts, but okay i say yes, then i ask for the same thing in return and oh its too much if an inconvenience and i, because im me say oh okay i understand and thats it so here i am doing this favor and being walked all over in return, yay for being the dirt you walk on! But anyway just another thing i suppose i need to work on, lets see, stop being scared of everything all the time, then lose some weight, get my emotions under control then learn to stick up for myself...yeah its going to be a long road. But i suppose maybe its doable, possibly, assuming my fear of the world ending is irrational, and i like to think it is but im terrified its not.
And see like that, i make jokes even to myself apparently bc im afraid someone will read this and have me commited but honestly its scary how much all this scares me, which sounds stupid to say as well but really, i am so scared and so freaked out, like tonight for instance, the wind is howling the house s creaking its snowing and all i hear are my thoughts saying oh crap this is just another sign, see signs where maybe there are some and maybe there arent. i need help, honestly, something to calm me down to help me sleep normal, something to help me feel normal, because i dont, i know for a fact my fears and nervousness are not normal, some have been here all along, just repressed and then some are recent new developments. Im scared of dying, again have been ever since i was little, i remember being very small and keeping myself awake at night as long as i could manage because i was afraid id die in my sleep, what little kid does that?!? I do thats who. So i also think thats part of my fear of the world ending and of God tcoming and takng us all back because i dont think Hes going to come and take our bodies, just our souls, now i dont know that, its just my assumption, but in order to take our souls we have to, wait, whats that? oh yeah our bodies have to die. Biggest fear ever for me. So again, im a mess. For those of you who do read this excuse the fact that there are some double spaces where an i should be, my i key is broken and i have to beat it to make it appear and sometimes i dont do it hard enough.
My 5 year old just got up, which he does every night, he refuses to sleep in his own bed, this is just a recent like within 6 months, development as well, im not sure why, ive asked him he doesnt so much give me a reason but i let him stay up with me because, 1 im up anyway and 2 he usually falls asleep within 30 minutes of coming downstairs with me and 3 because a part of me is afraid maybe he has some of these same fears and i want to try and help hm wth them intead of ignore it like when i was little. I had a couple of dreams, like horrible traumatizing dreams when i was little that ive always remembered, didnt remember details so much but the actual dream i did and a few months back was talking to my brother and come to find out they were not dreams at all, this actually happened to me, holy crap! Do these events have anything to do with me being the way i am now? i dont know, i always thought they were just dreams, i dont remember when my fears started, dont remember if it was before or after these events, so, who knows. Yeah, he came downstairs when i wrote that, laid his head on my arm and is already asleep. thats why i dont so much mind him coming down here.
Anyways so i didnt do any kinecting today, might do it now, might not, may just turn tv on fairly loud to drown out scary wind and watch tv till i pass out, either way i think im done with day 2, ill try to make it more eventful tomorrow.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Now then, day 1. Today is January 10th 2012, i am 30 almost 31 years old, i have 5 kids, all boys, ive been married once and basically married now to my 2nd husband Henry. am basically married to Henry, weve been together since april 2005, but right now are not living together as he is in texas working, which sucks, alot... the bills are getting paid but i am a wreck, im basically a single parent of all these boys, the oldest is 13 and he pretty much hates me, im not sure why but i can say its not just a teenager thing bc its been like that as long as i can remember. i miss Henry like crazy mad and am so lonely but then he calls and wants to fight with me about stupid crap and it makes me crazy mad, but i get mad, sad and then blow it off, he almost always apologises the next time he calls, i know hes stressed and he misses us and his mom and family back in El Salvador so i give him alot of leeway but then there are times like last night when it just gets to be too much and i wonder if were even going to make it like this. Id like to think so, its been almost 7 years, thats longer than my ex husband and i were ever together and im happier with Henry than i ever was with the ex. I honestly, as cheesy as it sounds never knew i could be happy i thought you just blew through like feeling sad but putting on a happy face, until i met Henry, then he made me genuinely happy, we fought alot at first mostly cultural differences and other people butting in just trying to cause drama between us because as they say, misery loves company, but we overcame that and were good, were happy but now this crap, he lives in texas and we, his family, live here, that gets to be alot to handle, for both of us.
So anyway, things are crazy, im a mess, im pretty sure i suffer from anxiety like no other, to the point of ridiculousness. Im terrified of the world ending, i want to see my kids grow up, i want to see my grandkids grow up and my great grand kids. i want to be an old lady with a garden and sit on the front porch in rocking chairs with Henry as we watch our grandkids play. And i think im right, and try to be right with God, because i do believe HE is coming back but im scared that im not, im scared im not good enough and ill be left to suffer. I pray, i try to live how HE would want me to, but i am so scared that im not that i cant sleep, im up all hours of the night every night, but this just started when Henry left, not all all of it as ive always been scared of these same things for as long as i can remember but it got worse to the point im so scared it haunts me all day every day since he left, but when he comes back, i sleep, i sleep good, i feel peace, he calms my soul, but then he leaves again and i go right back. Especially since these random earthquakes started, that scares the living hell out of me, its one of the many signs the Bible talks about that ive seen come to pass and i want to go with God when He comes back, but selfishly, i dont want that to be in my lifetime, and i worry and get scared that, that thought alone is why im not right with God because everyone else is ready, they pray for it to be time, they rejoice at these signs and i shiver with terror, why? Why am i not excited about it? Why am i so scared, its got me so bad i hate leaving the house, i only leave when i absolutely have to, cant stand it, when i am out all i can think about is i need to get back home, and i have no idea why, theres nothing here to protect me or anything and when God comes He doesnt care if im home or at walmart, but seriously all i can think when im out is i need to go home, and when im home i have a whole hge list of things i need to be doing and reasons to get out and yet i put everything off until the last second then force myself out, i dont know why! i dont want to be like this but its like i cant control it, no matter how hard i try, the fear and anxiousness and nervousness takes over and controls me. Ive never been like this before i was always all about getting out and doing stuff i hated staying in day after day but now i cant stand to leave. I dont know whats wrong with me. And id love for it to be fixed but i dont know how, i need to go to the doctor but i dont have the money for that so i sit and i suffer. Noone but very select few know, well knew until now, because i always put on my happy face when i do leave and i laugh and talk and get along like any other normal person. So anyway theres a porthole into my existence.
Another thing is that i have gained so much freaking weight i make myself sick and im trying to rememdy this problem as i made Henry buy me a kinect for Christmas but its not just about that its the discipline of getting the right low calorie diet but ugh i just love food! When i lived in texas i managed to lose quite a bit, still not enough for my liking but it was some and i actually started running and even when i first moved back here i went running but then i got pregnant, which Henry and i had been trying to do for about 2 years prior to that so running was out, then i had a devastating miscarriage then got pregnant right away on accident but again running was out, i had the baby on October 10, 2010 and have yet to start back being healthy and walking or running, i want to and i have every intention to but then we go back to i hate to leave the house, always feel like ive worked a hard labor job all day every day even when i do absolutely nothing. Im tired and exhausted and i love food, so all this together not a good combination for losing weight and getting back into shape.
So anyway, thats all i got for now, i could go on im sure but ill save it for another day, plus 2 out of 5 kids are still up and being crazy and are gong to end up pulling the cord out of the computer and then ill get mad so better to just end it now. Ill be back i promise :)