So today, technically yesterday, was really tough, and as I sit here not sleeping, thinking, it gets tougher, I miss Henry so much. I don't know what I'm supposed to do here, I think I love him to much, you always hear people on tv and such say stupid crap like I love you so much it hurts and everyone says and thinks the same thing I do, thats just stupid crap, but it would appear to me as though maybe its not. I can't stand this, it hurts so much especially knowing I can't do anything about it, that were probably undoubtedly going to be living in 2 different states, 2 different homes forever, this doesn't seem like its ever going to work itself out. And he calls and bc he's stressed, I'm stressed and all the crap going on, we get in arguments and he lets it get the better if him and gets, mad and hangs up, doesn't call me back for who knows how long, and I sit here and cry and cry and cry, knowing that this time is the time thats going to push him over the edge, he's going to decide that all this distance, stress and whatever else isn't worth it anymore. He's going to leave me. I always worry about it even when he was here and when I was in texas, always felt like it could happen but now I feel like it is happening, not could, IS. And it hurts so so much, his sons love and miss him almost as much as I do, all 5 of them, and I know he loves them and even me but you know there just comes a point when it gets to be to, much and I think he is nearing that point, very quickly.
I don't know, I think of all the things I try to do to make this work, for me, for him, and for all our children and how just like everything else it its never good enough, not for anyone, not ever. All I can do is cry, cry till I can't cry anymore, and when he calls after an argument, he always says he's sorry and know he is a jackass or an asshole and can I please forgive him, and I do, bc I love him and I understand why he's being a jackass bc were both so stressed and having a hard time dealing with all of our issues, even the normal ones, its just amplified by the distance, and I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with lately, especially the funk with this nervousness and anxiety thats been a constant black cloud hanging above my head the last several months, I have told him about this and he says he understands and wants me to feel better and will do everything he can to make that happen, but really, he doesn't understand at all, I can tell by the way he talks to me about it, its like I get the, your crazy and you are, just over dramatic, vibe from him, so... Who the crap knows? What I do know its somethings got to give, this is so hard.
Did anyone ever come up with how I can make this private? Bc theres kind of alot more if like to cry and whine about, and this is my blog, but I need privacy, I'm not about to have these jackasses trying to use my own blog and feelings against me. My feelings are hurt by this, and so, much more and now I have to watch what I say bc of certain people taking what I say and turning it around making it so, much worse than it actually is. Basically this whole thing tonight was to write about how much I miss him, so, maybe the tears would stop. So... Until next time.