Thursday, January 12, 2012

Day 3

So day 3 here we are, not too much to report today, Jadon started his piano lessons today, he seemed to like it, im so glad, i want to give him something thats all his own to be proud of. I played some kinect today, i think i pulled a muscle in my knee or something already, it hurts like crazy mad, but im trying to ignore it and keep working through it, we dowmloaded kinect sport season 1 and 2 the demos they seem really fun, i think that will be the next games we buy. We play the kinect all of us, trying to spend family time and trying to focus on something besides my misery, it seems to work, at least temporarily.

So today was really ordinary, not much happened. I was up tll about 4 or so this morning, finally fell asleep then the alarm went off at 7:10 to wake the boys up and was up, i tried to go back to sleep but couldnt manage it, then sister in law brought their youngest over and i kept him for awhile, he pretty much cried the whole time, but no big deal really as ive dealt with my own child screaming non stop for the first 6 months of his life. Then she came to get him and the boys got home from school, had the office send some paperwork home with ethan for him and jadon and with zach for hm and of course zach didnt make it home with his, so when went to go get jadon from piano i took zach to the school to get paper, so i guess ill fax it tomorrow and hopefully something will be done. Child support and all that mess. Anyway thats just boring stuff, i went to store came home, made dinner and we ate and played kinect till bedtime, the end. Now im sitting here writing this, not really sure of what to say. I havent been particularly sad today but not particularly happy either so...

I have an old friend who ive fallen in and out of contact with over the last several years coming over tomorrow, shes pregnant with a girl, due on my 5 year olds 6th birthday, im kinda looking forward to spending a few hours with her maybe even if we just sit around the house, she kinda nows my situation, my stress and anxiety, she tells me dont worry, be happy, Gods taking care of us, and seems really optimistic, which is great for her bc she never used to be like that but ever since she found out she was pregnant (this is her first child with boyfriend/husband of maybe 10 or so years) shes been all flowers and rainbows, and like i said im totally happy for her and will be here to help her every step of the way, and yes i am a small amount of jealous, 1 bc shes having a girl and 2, bc i want to be that happy again. I never was all through high school and as far back as i can remember then the entire time i was with my ex i was miserable, spent 2 years alone finding out who i was without any one else then i met henry and a few years later i was happy, honestly and truthfully happy, i never knew what that felt like before that, then he went to texas and i was sad and it got worse and worse and here we are at present day. And i know i wrote all this in day 1 but its whats in my head, i miss being happy, i miss being normal, that sounds like a joke but its so not. All throughout the day i try and stay in contact with a select few via text messaging and try not to be all gloom and doom as i know nobody wants to talk to that girl, so as i said before also i put on my happy face through texting and everything is peaches, i bitch about stuff like normal but not too much and sometimes its really easy like this afternoon bc i had my mind on a few other things but some days its really hard so i kinda just dont text or text one word answers when others try to get a hold of me, im sure its the same crap everyone does when they dont feel like talking. Which really has nothing to do with anything, im just saying.

Ive almost kind of become an alcoholic, not like crazy but whereas before i drank like just a few times a year, i make myself a drink or 2 almost every night now, at first it was to try and help me sleep, then that didnt work so it just became about i felt like i needed it. I know alcoholism is in my blood as my father, grandfather and brother are all alcoholics, who knows any further back then that bc i dont know anything about any of my family past that. only menton ths because m suddenly thirsty and thats the first thing that popped into my mind.

I really dont have much to say on this night, ive decided to qut posting on facebook when i write, those who want to read and follow youll either have to just keep checking back or become followers of this blog, im not real sure how to do that but im sure if you want to you can figure it out. Ive also just right this second decided i may not write every nght because on super uneventful days and with no emotional rollercoaster afternoon or evenings, it makes for a short blog about nothing, and i dont want to bore anyone. So that being said i think im going to go make a drink and watch some tv. Goodnight :)

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