So, let me start out by saying welcome to my blog, this wont be just a whine fest but it wont all be rainbows and lollipos either, its me, the way i am, not trying to impress anyone and if you dont like whats said here or how its said, no bg, dont read it, im good either way.
Now then, day 1. Today is January 10th 2012, i am 30 almost 31 years old, i have 5 kids, all boys, ive been married once and basically married now to my 2nd husband Henry. am basically married to Henry, weve been together since april 2005, but right now are not living together as he is in texas working, which sucks, alot... the bills are getting paid but i am a wreck, im basically a single parent of all these boys, the oldest is 13 and he pretty much hates me, im not sure why but i can say its not just a teenager thing bc its been like that as long as i can remember. i miss Henry like crazy mad and am so lonely but then he calls and wants to fight with me about stupid crap and it makes me crazy mad, but i get mad, sad and then blow it off, he almost always apologises the next time he calls, i know hes stressed and he misses us and his mom and family back in El Salvador so i give him alot of leeway but then there are times like last night when it just gets to be too much and i wonder if were even going to make it like this. Id like to think so, its been almost 7 years, thats longer than my ex husband and i were ever together and im happier with Henry than i ever was with the ex. I honestly, as cheesy as it sounds never knew i could be happy i thought you just blew through like feeling sad but putting on a happy face, until i met Henry, then he made me genuinely happy, we fought alot at first mostly cultural differences and other people butting in just trying to cause drama between us because as they say, misery loves company, but we overcame that and were good, were happy but now this crap, he lives in texas and we, his family, live here, that gets to be alot to handle, for both of us.
So anyway, things are crazy, im a mess, im pretty sure i suffer from anxiety like no other, to the point of ridiculousness. Im terrified of the world ending, i want to see my kids grow up, i want to see my grandkids grow up and my great grand kids. i want to be an old lady with a garden and sit on the front porch in rocking chairs with Henry as we watch our grandkids play. And i think im right, and try to be right with God, because i do believe HE is coming back but im scared that im not, im scared im not good enough and ill be left to suffer. I pray, i try to live how HE would want me to, but i am so scared that im not that i cant sleep, im up all hours of the night every night, but this just started when Henry left, not all all of it as ive always been scared of these same things for as long as i can remember but it got worse to the point im so scared it haunts me all day every day since he left, but when he comes back, i sleep, i sleep good, i feel peace, he calms my soul, but then he leaves again and i go right back. Especially since these random earthquakes started, that scares the living hell out of me, its one of the many signs the Bible talks about that ive seen come to pass and i want to go with God when He comes back, but selfishly, i dont want that to be in my lifetime, and i worry and get scared that, that thought alone is why im not right with God because everyone else is ready, they pray for it to be time, they rejoice at these signs and i shiver with terror, why? Why am i not excited about it? Why am i so scared, its got me so bad i hate leaving the house, i only leave when i absolutely have to, cant stand it, when i am out all i can think about is i need to get back home, and i have no idea why, theres nothing here to protect me or anything and when God comes He doesnt care if im home or at walmart, but seriously all i can think when im out is i need to go home, and when im home i have a whole hge list of things i need to be doing and reasons to get out and yet i put everything off until the last second then force myself out, i dont know why! i dont want to be like this but its like i cant control it, no matter how hard i try, the fear and anxiousness and nervousness takes over and controls me. Ive never been like this before i was always all about getting out and doing stuff i hated staying in day after day but now i cant stand to leave. I dont know whats wrong with me. And id love for it to be fixed but i dont know how, i need to go to the doctor but i dont have the money for that so i sit and i suffer. Noone but very select few know, well knew until now, because i always put on my happy face when i do leave and i laugh and talk and get along like any other normal person. So anyway theres a porthole into my existence.
Another thing is that i have gained so much freaking weight i make myself sick and im trying to rememdy this problem as i made Henry buy me a kinect for Christmas but its not just about that its the discipline of getting the right low calorie diet but ugh i just love food! When i lived in texas i managed to lose quite a bit, still not enough for my liking but it was some and i actually started running and even when i first moved back here i went running but then i got pregnant, which Henry and i had been trying to do for about 2 years prior to that so running was out, then i had a devastating miscarriage then got pregnant right away on accident but again running was out, i had the baby on October 10, 2010 and have yet to start back being healthy and walking or running, i want to and i have every intention to but then we go back to i hate to leave the house, always feel like ive worked a hard labor job all day every day even when i do absolutely nothing. Im tired and exhausted and i love food, so all this together not a good combination for losing weight and getting back into shape.
So anyway, thats all i got for now, i could go on im sure but ill save it for another day, plus 2 out of 5 kids are still up and being crazy and are gong to end up pulling the cord out of the computer and then ill get mad so better to just end it now. Ill be back i promise :)