Sunday, January 15, 2012

Day 4 I Think

Okay, so here it is, a couple of days later, today has not been kind, I woke up this morning basically panicked, no idea why, so i took some tylenol and went and laid back down, hoping for my heart to slow down a little, it did, I went back to sleep for a little while till Parker woke up then woke the boys up asked Ethan to kind of keep an eye on P so i could sleep a little longer, after laying there at least an hour i went back to sleep. Woke up a couple hours later wth almost kind of like a sense of urgency, felt like i should seriously be doing something but not a clue as to what, so i started cleaning house as that was driving me crazy, told the boys to do their part, they of course were to busy and i got mad like crazy mad started yelling, they chpped in a little after that but not so much. I was up pretty late last night, thinking, worrying, stressing, i tried to sleep but it just wasnt happening, im so sick of this, i wish there were some way to remedy ths with out a billion dollars to go to a dang psychiatris, but nope, too bad for me. I started to try and explain a little of what im feeling like and what im going through to my mom the other day bc she drives me nuts always second guessing every single little thing i do, and when my 13 year old who hates me does whatever he wants and i get him in trouble its oh im being to hard on him. No im not! She doesnt see anything she doesnt want to, bnot now not ever, dont get me wrong i adore my mom but ugh this just eats me alive, anyway back to point after saturday afternoon at ethans bball game being so crappy zach started in trying to make me mad and i got all over him and she of course put in her two cents so i asked her, do you know how you make me feel? and she says what? like i cant velieve youd ask me that and i said its bad enough he doesnt listen but when you start in he nows he can do this to me, and i feel bad he hates me i try to change it but wth you stepping in that just makes him right in his eyes and i feel horrible, i feel like i cant control him or anything else in my life, im so stressed all the time i dont sleep and i feel like im sitting outside an office waiting for a job interview all the time, thats the best way to describe the nervousness i feel that i can come up with, and she says you just need to relax and get some sleep, are you serious? thats all? i just need to relax and get some sleep ohhhh why didnt i think of that? here i am feeling like a anxious mess scared of my own shadow and that was the answer all along... right. wow. So needless to say i wasnt to happy about all that. I came home and tried to sleep then but couldnt so i sent some of the pics i took at the game to henrys brothers phone so hed call me, he did and i told him about the game and the drive home, he said sorry he wished he was here and all that none of which helps but he tries, then he asked if i was still feeling like that bc weve had this discussion a few months ago i said yes only it was a little worse now, then he got stressed about how he needed to be here but didnt know how he could be here and pay the bills and all but he wanted to bc he missed the kids and knew i needed help, i of course started crying again, bc thats what i do and we talked a while longer, got off the phone not feeling any better. sat down wth the kids watched them play some xbox then turned movies on till they fell asleep then i just watched them by myself till maybe 5ish before i fell asleep till 8 when P woke up, which brings us full circle.

So here i sit tonight, just played some just dance 3 with the boys, im a little sore but not too much, i feel like theres alot need to be writing, alot more than what i have, like theres a million thoughts swimming around up in my brain, but i cant make sense of any of it, at all. All day ive felt on the verge of bawling and it happened a few times, over nothing, stupid stuff but i swear its like i absolutely cant control it. i just talk and my voice cracks and im all of a sudden sad and need to cry but i dont know why. What the crap is wrong with me? I may never know nor understand.

Im thirsty, i made a late dinner bc i couldnt manage to get myself motivated to get in there and cook till i had a friend over and the boys were all asking for crap and bitching about being hungry, and rather than look like the worst mom ever i went in there and cooked but i drank all my dr pepper and told myself i wouldnt buy anymore i just need to drink water, not sure why im finding that so hard i did it for years till i got pregnant with p then started drinking soda again.But yeah so now i have a whole case of bottled water in there but thats not what i want at all. So i sit here thirsty. Just a random thought there, one of them that had to be spit out apparently.

Im so tired of being disappointed and sad, and nervous and scared. Like i can say that here and you who read t think yeah i can imagine, but no i dont think you can, this is insanity i cant get over it, and im just sick of it, it makes me literally and figuratively sick to my stomach, i dont know what to do. Sometimes feel the giant urge to do what i did before and just pick up and leave my whole life and go start somewhere fresh, but i cant do that as i have 5 kids and henry to think about now, its not even an option. I wish i had lots and lots of money, ive heard that makes your problems disappear, but i dont know bc i have never had a ton of money. Anyway, i feel so alone all the time, in a room full of people and i feel like im sitng alone in a dark room, its crazy i know, makes no sense, i know, but how do i make it go away? i used to say i had no friends bc in actuality have alot of aquaintences but very few "friends" but i had a few, now im aware of the few but feel like theyre not really here, and i know, know they are and would probably do anything they could for me, as i would them, but in that same thought i feel like bc they have no idea how i feel theyre not really here. I dont say this to offend anyone, especially the few friends i have, i love you dearly and would probably not even be the little amount of sane i am if it werent for you, its just the way im feeling this particular moment.

Anyways, so it just started randomly raining and the wind picked up long enough to make chills go down my spine and work up the nerve to get up and look outside then it had stopped, buti feel completely freaked out and wish i had henry or one of those friends wth me right this second to ease the situation, but alas, i do not, its hard to explain you know? Even in writing i cant find the words, so i guess ill try and put all these feelings and thoughts in the back of my mind for a little while, maybe go make myself a daquiri and watch some hulu and hope to calm down at least a little and pray tomorrows better.

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