Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Day 2

Okay,so its day 2 and im not so much any better off, obviously but still trying, i made a public appearance in church tonight trying to be social but mostly i just sat there and thought about how it was time to go home. So i came home, its crazy windy and snowing here tonight so thats all the more reason for me to stay inside and not go anywhere, so yay heres to crazy being justified once in awhile haha. Im not sure who actually read any of what i wrote last night but im good with that even if no one did bc hey thats less people to see how crazy i actually am. Anyway so i stayed in all day and am so exhausted from my days and days of doing nothing that this morning ethan said he didnt feel good and didnt want to go to school i told him he needed to he whined he didnt want to and i let it go, so he stayed home, good thing is he helped with parker all afternoon, bad thing is i really really shouldve made him go to school. So i stayed on the couch pretty much all day, Henry called about 3:30 ish we talked for about 2 hours, i of course almost cried like 20 times in that period, ugh im so miserable these days its just stupid. Anyway so in that time i got a few text messages, 1 being a friend asking me to come to church, so i did but it really wouldve been the same if i hadnt bc i was just there in body but anyway i went.

So Jadon starts piano lessons tomorrow which i think will be really good for him, he likes music plus think it will help his memory and maybe give him some confidence, which he so desperately needs, he walks around the house likes hes all good but hes constantly in trouble and i know he acts out at school bc hes self conscious, he thinks noone likes him, zach is kind of the same way, whereas ethan walks around like hes all that and some has all the confdence in the world, and in return he is as he puts it "a popular kid" in his school, every body likes him, hes in 5th grade and all the guys like him and he has the girls hanging on him, which is not so much a good thing but hes in 5th grade i can keep it under control, but i digress, back to jadon, hes a good, sweet kid, he really is but sometimes he wont let anyone see that part of him he just shows the mean, nasty, hateful side, im not really sure why except hes trying to keep the other kids out, like kind of being mean to them before they can be mean to him, that sort of thing. And really thats sad, because ive seen jadon at his best and he could have so many friends if hed show others that side of him. So im hoping the piano lessons help with that.

Next a completely random subject change, but its my blog so its all good, I get so aggrivated at people because you know how weve all felt like a doormat a few times in our lives, yeah feel like that all the time, sometimes by friends, sometimes by stranger, alot by family and always by my own children. This particular time its by a family member, they ask me to do something that i dont so much mind doing but ts the reasoning in which they asked me to do it that drives me nuts, but okay i say yes, then i ask for the same thing in return and oh its too much if an inconvenience and i, because im me say oh okay i understand and thats it so here i am doing this favor and being walked all over in return, yay for being the dirt you walk on! But anyway just another thing i suppose i need to work on, lets see, stop being scared of everything all the time, then lose some weight, get my emotions under control then learn to stick up for myself...yeah its going to be a long road. But i suppose maybe its doable, possibly, assuming my fear of the world ending is irrational, and i like to think it is but im terrified its not.

And see like that, i make jokes even to myself apparently bc im afraid someone will read this and have me commited but honestly its scary how much all this scares me, which sounds stupid to say as well but really, i am so scared and so freaked out, like tonight for instance, the wind is howling the house s creaking its snowing and all i hear are my thoughts saying oh crap this is just another sign, see signs where maybe there are some and maybe there arent. i need help, honestly, something to calm me down to help me sleep normal, something to help me feel normal, because i dont, i know for a fact my fears and nervousness are not normal, some have been here all along, just repressed and then some are recent new developments. Im scared of dying, again have been ever since i was little, i remember being very small and keeping myself awake at night as long as i could manage because i was afraid id die in my sleep, what little kid does that?!? I do thats who. So i also think thats part of my fear of the world ending and of God tcoming and takng us all back because i dont think Hes going to come and take our bodies, just our souls, now i dont know that, its just my assumption, but in order to take our souls we have to, wait, whats that? oh yeah our bodies have to die. Biggest fear ever for me. So again, im a mess. For those of you who do read this excuse the fact that there are some double spaces where an i should be, my i key is broken and i have to beat it to make it appear and sometimes i dont do it hard enough.

My 5 year old just got up, which he does every night, he refuses to sleep in his own bed, this is just a recent like within 6 months, development as well, im not sure why, ive asked him he doesnt so much give me a reason but i let him stay up with me because, 1 im up anyway and 2 he usually falls asleep within 30 minutes of coming downstairs with me and 3 because a part of me is afraid maybe he has some of these same fears and i want to try and help hm wth them intead of ignore it like when i was little. I had a couple of dreams, like horrible traumatizing dreams when i was little that ive always remembered, didnt remember details so much but the actual dream i did and a few months back was talking to my brother and come to find out they were not dreams at all, this actually happened to me, holy crap! Do these events have anything to do with me being the way i am now? i dont know, i always thought they were just dreams, i dont remember when my fears started, dont remember if it was before or after these events, so, who knows. Yeah, he came downstairs when i wrote that, laid his head on my arm and is already asleep. thats why i dont so much mind him coming down here.

Anyways so i didnt do any kinecting today, might do it now, might not, may just turn tv on fairly loud to drown out scary wind and watch tv till i pass out, either way i think im done with day 2, ill try to make it more eventful tomorrow.

No comments:

Post a Comment