Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Day whatever the hell day it is

Okay, so sorry its been awhile, things have been kinda crazy, kind of depressing and just ugh all together. So things are about the same, i dont really feel any better at all, things just really dont seem to be working so well. I feel so alone, everyone says were here for you and they are really, i just feel like crap. So over and over i feel like i need to write when i am having the feelings of insanity and sadness because then on days like today i feel like im bursting with things to blog about but cant think of it right now, got too many other things going on in this brain of mine.

Days like yesterday are the kinds of days that plague me lately and this life just does not seem doable, not that i want to commit suicide at all, dont take that comment for that, besides if you have read any earlier posts youd know im terrified of death so obviously not suicidal, just the way things are going, all morning i felt semi decent snf thought you know what, this is my day to get things back on track, no particular reason just decided, so then kids came home from school and the 11 year old who i let be wth his friends and have fun all weekend got an attitude with me, made me mad so i tried to talk to him and he just ignored me, made me madder so i send him to clean his room, he of course stomps all the way upstairs and throws crap around doesnt do anything, by ths tme, ive lost it, im screaming, trying not to cry and get all over hm, then see his friday folder and hes behind 13 damn assignments and has a bunch of cs, ds, and fs that hes been hiding, and hes the one i give the most privelages to, im furious, he just like everyone else thinks he can run all over me, treat me like crap and be hateful towards me. So i tell him hes going to have to miss some of his games bc that was the rule from the begginning, no matter what school and grades come first, well then he goes into a crazy tantrum like a 2 year old, i feel horrible, sad and mad and used. Then we go to the 13 year olds basketball game, henry calls into the first quarter, gets frustrated bc i cant hear him, i go outside and he tells me he withdrew some more money, and i know ts his money and it was for the bills there but that left me with nothing till wednesday and i am low on gas, need to get oil changed and take kids to dentist so that on top of everything earlier i fight back crying like a baby and go back in, then last quarter the coach finally puts my kid in with 1 minute 11 seconds exactly left in game, and thats it. So that was frustrating and upset me, then went to lobby to wait for him and little Henry is up in a chair and goes to get down and face plants on the concrete, screams for a few minutes then i turn my attention to the 13 year old whos begging grandma for money for concession stand food when he knows were going to eat when we get home and makes me insane so we go to car and they all of course are being crazy and my moms being, well, my mother, nagging and telling me i need to relax and be easier on the boys especially zach, also making me crazy, henrys asleep in the car this whole time, so okay, i drop her off we go home, henry calls again were talking a few minutes and i hear the boys say okay henry let me get you a blanket and telling one of the other ones that he feels sick so i give ethan the phone while i check on him and i ask him are you okay he starts screaming it hurts really really bad, i try to get him to take some motrin, he wont stop crying and goes into my room gets in my bed covers his head and falls asleep again, i uncover him he wont hardly wake up and when he does, says he feels sick and the light hurts his eyes, so i cover him back up, worried he may have a concussion, get the phone back from ethan, henry of course hung up, so i call him back he wants to know what happened i tell him and he of course says i dont need to go to the games anymore, i try to tell him being at the game had nothing to do with anything so we argue a bit, by this time im bawling, its too much, i tried to stay composed but after everything it was just to the breaking point, so i tell him im taking little henry to er bc he wont stop crying when hes awake but wont hardly wake up, so we get off the phone, i take all 5 boys to er, thats a nightmare but its just me, nothing else i can do so take them in, they go to waiting area i explain what happened and such and i hear banging and yelling from up in the lobby, my kids of course, anyway this goes on about an hour, they say he probably has a minor concusson but nothing they can do, for me to watch him for 24 hours, also extremely frustrating, get thats al they can say or do i guess but still i needed answers not probablys and nothing we can do, so go home call henry hes just as mad about er starts bitching not at me per say but close enough so i get off the phone go to bathroom and bawl my damn eyes out, and that was all in just a few hours time, it was to much, and this crap happens every dang day, not exactly the same events but events just as bad basically and i cant handle it, i need help, i need a break, at least every once in awhile, it has been almost 7 years and henry and i have had one night, or actually a couple of hours with no kids, i never have me time, and i understand also my fault bc i have 5 kids but i just want some help, i need some help, i need a break just every so often, i need henry here with me to help with every day situations, ughh i just dont know what to do.

And today started about the same, different events but same crap, felt like i was breaking down before 9 am ever hit. Then found out henry had to have 2 teeth pulled and spacers put in that it was a must right away, they gave him gas which made him even more drowsy than he had been and it was super stressful but okay, started home and kids wanted lunch i said youll have to eat at school they of course started in wanting to go eat, i said we cant and fights and arguments escalated from there until i dropped them off. And yeah its just been really tough, and i feel so all alone, feel like im the only one making half an effort and im being punished for it.

So anyway ill close now as im sure your bored with my play by play, ill be here more often so it wont all be built up next time.

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