Day 2.5

So, something ive yet to bring up, but ive had in my brain a good while but like thought tonight a little more than usual about, is the fact that i hate that everyone has something to say about my life and opinions and choices, im talking everyone, im never honest with people like anyone, seriously. So its not just one thing but like everything but the one in partcular, and dont you dare judge me right now, but i want a little girl, yes i know i already have 5 kids and the chances of having a girl are way way against me, yes i know im a crazy, stressed out, anxiety ridden mess, yes i know all of this, it doesnt change the fact that i want a little girl, especially with all my world ending fears and such, before its all over i want a daughter. but then again this too is the biggest reason i dont bc if i had one and the world ended i wouldnt have a chance to enjoy her, you know? i know moneys tight, henry and i hardly ever fight but when we do its always about money and another baby would cause more money issues, but ive told him all of this and he says he understands but we just cant afford it and dont worry the worlds not ending and all the things that make sense but...in the same thing over and over it remains that i want her! i wanted a boy when i found out i was pregnant the first time and ive wanted a girl ever since. I am also scared because even if henry says yes lets do it ive already had 6 pregnancies, 5 kids and 1 miscarriage and i know the more pregnancies you have the more likely a miscarriage is and i absolutely do not want to go through that again but when i think about it i tell myself it would be worth the risk to have a daughter, but just like all of everyone else i am very aware that theres no way with out medical assistance to ensure it is a girl when or if i get pregnant. Also im aware that another baby would totally make me so much more stressed and make henry be gone more and longer and feel like hed have to work 10 times as hard, and i dont want to put that stress on him, i also spend way way to much time worrying about what everyone else thinks and says about me, i wish i didnt, i wish i had the nerve to just say and feel like hey this is between henry and i not anyone else, but i dont i freak out and worry and take to heart what everyone says and thinks. So may people i know are having little girls and just recently found out my sister in law is pregnant again and shes pretty hopeful its a girl and im jealous, not just of her but lke i said several of my friends and or aquaintences are having girls and every time i hear of another i think I want that! I have 5 boys and i adore each and every one but i want a girl!

I always have my kids with me, aside from when theyre in school, i never ever have a babysitter, i havent had a night out with henry aside from once in almost 7 years and that was only when the older 3 boys were with their father and we left little henry with big henrys brother but only after he fell asleep we went 5 minutes down the road and watched the first twilight movie and came right home, thats it, in 7 years and im very very aware another baby would only prolong my getting out and never having any me time, but again, if im responsible for them and henry and i take care of them and i never pawn them off on other people, dont i have the right to have as many children as henry and i see fit? Should i have to be so worried and concerned with what everyone, including most of you that read this think? its my life, i dealt with parker being the fussiest, most colicky crazy baby who in 15 months has never been away from me more than an hour, and im still alive and everything so, if i want another baby and henry agrees to it, isnt that my right?

Anyway i know its crazy and i should definitely seek proffesional mental help before i act on this, but im so afraid it will be to late if i wait, just thought d put this out here because its been on my mind for months now, and this is after all my blog so i can write and or say whatever i want, so there it is.